The N-word

WTF is the world coming to??? So today after a beautiful weekend in Cancun I'm confronted with a most important decision at the workplace. My WHITE secretary tells me she has a funny joke. One that her and her family sat around and laughed so hard about because they thought it so funny. So she proceeds to tell the joke, "God gave a little black boy wings. The boy asks God, does this make me an angel? No Nigga that makes you a bat"!!! All the while she can hardly stop herself from laughing!!! At this point I am in shock. Did she really think that was okay?? The answer is YES she did. So I immediately tell her that it was quite offensive, that I couldn't believe she would use the n-word in my presence, that I can't believe that her and her family sit around telling nigga jokes and think that's okay!! She claims that EVERY BLACK person has told her that its okay to use NIGGA just not NIGGER and that its not fair that "we" can use it and "they" can't...that's "racial" in and of itself. I told her that it is NEVER okay and that I was literall in shock that she would argue for her ability to use the n-word. Needless to say, she walked out of my office crying. Then like the coward she is, sent me a email telling me that she was offended that I was offended.
HER EMAIL: After all the time we worked together, it really hurts me that you would think that me and my family would sit around and "tell black jokes." I never really thought of you as a "black" person, you were just my friend. I thought that by now you would realize that race is not an issue with me, I was just sharing something I thought was funny, as I have laughed at many "white" jokes and I am white. If that is really what you think of me, then maybe you would prefer to stick to work related conversations and not say anything more. It really hurts me that you would think of me that way. I am soory I offended you, but you offended me too. No further conversation is needed on this, I just wanted you to know how I felt without you seeing me cry.

MY RESPONSE: Amy, I am confused as to what you are offended about. I have never said anything deragatory towards you or your race. I have never use racially offensive words in reference to you or anyone of your race. I am still in shock that you felt it okay to tell a joke using the n-word in my presence. Regardless of what you think about me, I AM BLACK, no matter how light skin and long my hair is. And the fact that you don't see the problem in using the n-word is even more offensive. That you would justify it by saying that "we" use it all the time so why can't you, "thats not fair." I am literally blown away. That word carries meaning that you will never understand. Contrary to all these "black" people that have told you it is okay to use NIGGA just not NIGGER, let me tell you that it is NEVER okay to use the n-word in my presence in reference to my race and my family and ME.
And since we are on the subject, let me tell you that when you said that "I don't look black because most black people have short hair" and that "you hate when black people pull their hair back in little pigtails," that was offensive. When you said "that your husband didn't like your shirt because it was too black" that was offensive. When you said that Tia's friend "is so black that when you turn off the lights you can't see her anymore" that is offensive.
Not sure what you are crying about because I am the one who is hurt.

After a few conversations I decided that the best thing for me to do was leave because it was destined to get ugly in there. My boss called later on because he was in trial to talk about what happened. His argument was that you have to "consider the source." That "she's not that intelligent" and has no "social graces" and really thought that we were cool enough for her to use the n-word. The conversation got a little heated because at the same time I knew nothing was going to be done about it. It is infuriating that in 2007 a WHITE woman can tell NIGGA jokes in the workplace with minimal consequences for her ignorance.
And what's crazy is she had been sitting on this joke for 5 fucking days. She emailed me the joke to which I didn't respond while I was on vacation and the first thing 5 days later she says to me was did you my email. I said no to try and give her a chance to redeem herself. Never thinking in a million years she would say the word. The joke could easily be told without the use of the n-word but I guess saying it made her feel superior in some way. While I knew I would never work at a place which condoned behavior like this, do you know that this chick packed up my shit as if she had unilaterally made the decision. She is lucky that 1996 me didn't surface because in my opinion, those are fighting words.
Okay my fellow black brethren, please comment as I hope these comments will be seen by someone who needs a fucking reality check!
And just to clear any confusion, I was not technically an employee of this office anymore. As many of you know I am moving to DC in 3 weeks and was only there to clean up a few loose ends. So unfortunately her words are not actionable but believe you me, this is not the end!

2 pump chump

So I am sitting here horny thinking about past experiences and it dawned on me that I have yet to touch on the issue of the "2 pump chump" also known as, minute man, quicker dicker, fast Jack, in-n-out, speedy weenie, hasty hotdog, rapid rover...you get the point.

Now I've never made an issue over this (to his face) but I find it quite troubling. It is well understood that it takes longer for a woman to get aroused than for most men...this is a given. And if you have gotten your rocks off in less than five minutes I can assure you there is no way you satisfied your woman. So what do you do?? Men: if you know that you came a little too quick I think you should properly addressed the situation. Getting up and going to the bathroom as if you've just accomplished something is NOT it. Little do you know I'm snickering behind your back waiting for the first opportunity to text my girl. And believe you'll never touch this again...how selfish of you! You need to be a man and step to the plate and admit your misgivings and assure us you will correct your wrongs momentarily. You can take a nap, a shower, watch a porno, take a viagra, anything you gotta do to get that bad boy back up but don't ever let me go to sleep after 2 pumps...CHUMP!! I mean what the fuck am I suppose to do with that? The only thing you've done at that point was wake her up and now you want her to go back to sleep without being fed? Come the fuck on...not fair. We understand "it happens" but just because shit happens don't make it right. Let me reiterate...correct your wrongs homeboy. Some advice, if you eat it in the beginning we're less likely to care when, where, why, or how you finish.

I tell you about a guy I once knew. It was actually an EX who happened to be at the right place at the right time. It had been a long while since we had first done the do. I didn't remember too much about it only that he wasn't real sensitive to my needs but I didn't hold that against him. He always spoke very highly of his D which is typically suspect to begin with. No sooner than we laid down did I find him finish and up and headed to the shower as if his actions warranted the need for refreshment. I was literally shocked and confused and because there was no love it took everything in me to not say something. I mean seriously, what am I suppose to do with that? I surely thought he was coming back for round 2, shit maybe even round 3 because round 1 didn't really exist in my mind. Sadly enough, he was done and yes I was done. I could barely stand to look at him so I got dressed and faked a heart attack. Would rather sit in the hospital than on his couch cause somebody was gonna die and it wasn't gonna be me. WTF!

HITW

For those of you who don't know what this means, it means HEAD IN THE WHIP!! For those of you who still don't know what this means, get off my page! I just wanted to know, has anyone ever been caught giving it?? What are you suppose to do if someone sees you? Are you suppose to stop? More than likely his D will be rock hard and won't be able to fit back into his pants. Do you expose the D or do you stay down there and finish what you started?

Ho Fa Sho!

I recently was asked, "what is a ho"? Before I get to casting stones let's really dissect this for a minute shall we. I don't think there is one clear definition on what exactly makes one a "ho" because I think we've all done things that may be considered behavior which more likely than not manifests whorelike tendencies. For instance, some may say that sex on a first date or first encounter is "ho-like"! or maybe sex with numerous partners? sex for money, drugs, dinner or coats? sex with a married man/woman? sex without condoms? sex because you're bored?? who freakin knows where to draw the line. I think being a "ho" has more to do with your intentions than your actions. Let me explain...so let's say you've been single for awhile and you meet a well to do guy and you talk on the phone for a week or so and you finally decide to go out. You guys go to dinner and movie and end up at your house having "coffee." One thing leads to another and his body starts calling for yours. Long story short the panties come off and you find yourself knee deep in the D. You guys eventually become bf/gf, marry and live happily ever after. Are you a "ho"? Now look at it this way. You've been single for awhile and you've been going on dates with different men. One in particular has more money than the next. You go to dinner and a movie and end up at your crib. You know if you fuck him you'll continue to get the niceties. You have sex and send him on his way. Are you a "ho"? Let's say you're broke and call up a guy and have him take you out. Over dinner you share with him your financial status and he offers to give you some money to help you get on your feet. You end up at your crib and you have sex. He leaves $500 on the nightstand. Are you a "ho"? Let's say you've been going thru a whole lot of shit and find yourself calling your married ex. You guys go to dinner and he tells you he's not happy. After 5 martinis you find yourself at your house. One thing leads to another and the panties come off. Are you a "ho"? Let's say to go out with your girl in search of a man. You pick out the one who just dropped a grand at the bar. He's not very cute, actually he's ugly. You don't care. You accidentally bump into him and spark up a conversation. You exchange information. You see him later that week and you let him hit it. Are you a "ho"?
Now there are some things which one can do which would put them in the "ho fa sho" category, well at least in my opinion. If you fuck 5 different people in the same week, you a "ho fa sho"! If you fuck 2 different people in close proximity and swallow on both, you a "ho fa sho"! If you fuck for 10 dollars and a hit, you a "ho fa sho"! If you have more than 2 potential baby daddies, you a "ho fa sho"! The list goes but I'd like to get your thoughts on what a "ho fa sho" is.............
My thoughts are, to each his own. Everyone must live with the decisions he/she makes. No one else can determine how you feel about yourself. Maybe you're a "ho" maybe not! Whatever you decide, make sure its your choice and live with it.

If there was a picture in the dictionary next to the word "ho," who do you is the prototype??

Sex with an Ex....

A little sumthin sumthin...

So Ne-yo seems to believe that sex with an ex is a good idea...what do you think? Should you leave it all in the past? What if it was the best sex of your life?? Can you do it regularly and not get attached? Is it worth it?

Long time coming...

I know its been awhile y'all and I'm sorry I fell off the wagon. Been going through a lot of shit and I just didn't have any inspiration. The vision was clouded by tears and feelings of hate and regret. But I'm slowly coming out of the darkness and am ready to talk about life, love and the pursuit of happyness!

So I recently talked to a friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in going on 10 months. A little background...we have been friends for 24 years and slowly but surely grew apart and were just on two different pages! The last time we talked it had something to do with one of her boo's calling me at 2am talking about he coming over! WTF!! I ain't never talked to the boy on the phone nor does he even know where I freaking live. But I guess that was the last straw cause I never heard from her again! Got a text on my 29th birthday wishing me the best! Ha! It seems like I woke up one day and realized that we were headed in two completely different directions. I would talk about the folks I met and these fabulous events and she would talk about baby einstein and first days of school. I had no problem listening to what was going on in her life but she didn't seem all too concerned about my life. Anywho, we stopped talking completely and I didn't know how I felt about it. When I ran into her we exchanged greeting. She then proceeded to exclude herself out of the group discussion. I was a bit perturbed but whatever! I then called a friend of mine, a spiritual advisor of sorts to ask him what to do. He told me not to miss out on my blessings because she wants to be evil. So I took up a seat next to her and broke the ice. Asked her how she had been and the conversation sored from there. It didn't skip a beat and it felt like old times again. Not sure what happened to cause us to separate but glad that we talked. 24 years is a long time. Will it ever be the same I'm not sure, only time will tell.

So here's the thing, how do you know when to let a friendship go or when to make amends! If you grow apart does that mean you are forever separated? If you are on 2 completely different paths in life is it possible to be genuinely happy for the other's successes? I've heard a saying that people are in your life for one of 3 things, reasons, seasons or a lifetime. How do you know who plays what role? Why does it seem easier to forgive a lover than a friend? Do we expect more from our friends? Is that a fair expectation?

So tell me folks, have you ever regretted losing a friend?

Nosey rosey.....

In a relationship, is it okay to go through your bf's things??? I would like to believe that in a perfect world you wouldn't feel compelled to snoop around in your bf's shit. Does there come a time in your relationship where snooping is acceptable? When assumably there are no more secrets. If you are in a relationship do you still maintain your constitutionally protected right of privacy? I was left 9 days in my bf's apartment and I didn't snoop around. If he trusts me enough to leave me there for 9 whole days do I really think he's going to be stupid enough leave some detrimental shit behind?? If you find something, does that fact that found it in the drawer underneath his t-shirts stuffed in an envelope wrapped in some foil make any difference?? Is the determining factor what you found? I like my privacy and don't like to feel like I can't have a secret if I want to. What about the cell phone?? Is it okay to check his received and dialed calls? texts? picture mail?? Does the same apply for blackberry's which is essentially email?? In relationships, must your skeletons all be revealed??
I remember a time when I was at my bf's house. He lived with his mom (this was 10 years ago folks). I was left at his house while him and his mom went to the store. Not more than 3 minutes after they left I headed to his room straight to the closet. I knew I didn't have much time so I figured I might as well get in and get out quick. I was knee deep in his box of pictures and I look up to find him and his mother staring at me in disbelief. I was mortified. There was no explanation. I simply told him I wanted to look through his pictures. He was upset and rightfully so. They had just come back because she forgot something and were planning on leaving me there again. I was like no way jose!! He didn't want me to leave but I couldn't stand the thought of his mother thinking that I was a sneaky little girl. I left. That was not the first or last time I have been through a bf's shit. I wonder once I'm married do the circumstances change. Can you have secrets if you're married?? Doesn't seem right to keep secrets yet it feels all wrong to be one open book. I guess that's why people, men in particular, are so afraid of marriage. It almost feels like you lose yourself in the process. Is what you do always his business?? I wonder.....
So folks, tell me about a time when you got caught snooping around....

Girl Fight the sequel....

So peep...me and my cuz was in Vegas chillin. Hit the strip for a night out on the town. We mistakenly ended up at a techNO club but we paid a dub to get in so we decided to at least have a drink before we bounced. It was stupid crowded. No black faces in sight. We're walking around looking for somewhere to sit. I noticed these two dudes get up and so I immediately rushed the seats. This older Russian dude sitting a couple seats down came over to me and said those were his lady friends seats. I'm thinking yeah right I just saw two dudes get up, miss me with that. So I tell him I'm not moving. My cousin was trying to be nice and got up. I spot an empty chair a little ways away so she goes and grabs that one. I'm like fuck him I ain't moving no where. So the Russian was like, "did you hear me or do I need to say it in 5 different languages"? I put 5 fingers in his face. So these chicks walk up and one of them sits on the arm of my chair. This bitch had obviously lost her muh fuckin mind. So my cousin stands up and someone whisks the chair from beneath her. I'm like what the fuck that ain't even your chair. So I push the chick off my chair and barely lift up out of my seat and dude snatches my chair too. Now because I hadn't really gotten up I was tossed to the floor, my orange suede candies go flying and I find myself on the carpet with my chocha showing cause my dress was rather short. Me and my cousin are fuming. So the two chicks sit down as if nothing happened. Now its about 4 women and 2 men in their group. Much older than us. So what do I do....in one clean sweep I knocked ALL of they drinks off the table. The Russian dude rushes me and I think he might have taken a swing but I was unphased. But that wasn't enough. One of the chicks is wiping the table off and in doing that she's splashing the liquid on me. I'm like bitch you better stop wetting me. She says its your fault you're the one who knocked the drinks off the table. I reiterate, bitch you better stop wetting me. She looked dead in my face and says "do you want me to throw this drink on you?" I say WORD and snatched her drink and poured it down her face. Take that bitch!!! Once again the Russian rushes me. I think he made contact this time but I didn't care cause I was a ninja on a mission. So now I'm SUPER heated. I had decided that I wasn't going no where until someone got hurt and it wasn't gonna be me. Out the corner of my eye I see this big black dude approaching us. I grab his arm and told him I needed a favor. Very briefly told him what was going on. I told him ALL I needed him to do was make sure the Russian didn't get at me cause I feared the next time he might have drawn blood. He had crazy written all over him. I turned around for a second and the black dude got ghost. I'm like FUCK!! Whatever it was still going down. All I know is I took my wooden hill and cracked that bitch as hard as I possibly could. The bitch screamed in agony. She was crying so hard. Right at that moment security came and escorted both parties out. They took us one way and them the other. We actually met up in the back of the club. The bitch was still crying. I looked at her and said "you shouldn't have fucked with me STUPID BITCH"!!!!!! Her eyes were black from her mascara running. To make matters worse I laughed in her face and all the way out the club. I don't fuck with techNO anywayz.

It's about to be A WHAT a girl fight...

Now it may be hard to believe but a sistah has been in her share of fights, at least 5 good ones. My temper was quick and so was my jab. I use to talk so much shit that I had to back that shit up. I know people who would never dream of being in a real live fist fight to the death...death I say. One may think that girls mostly fight over men. This is true but not in ALL cases. 3 of my 5 good fights were totally random and people love when I tell these tales of yesteryear. Before I get to telling about my rumbles in the jungles I want to say at this age fighting is not cool. We have too much to lose to be knocking bitches fronts out which is always my goal. Give that bitch something to remember when she go home and ask herself why on earth did I pick the tall skinny bitch to pick on. Don't let the light skin fool you...I will drop kick yo ass in a heartbeat and crush yo skull after I piss on your face. Oh yeah it goes down.
In any event, here's my story....so I was about 19 at the time when the shit cracked off. I was pulling into the parking lot of this shopping center where my dentist was located, Northeast from where I live...and by this I mean China muh fuckin town. The car in front of me stopped abruptly and so I honked two times (this becomes relevant later). Realizing he had just found a parking spot I proceeded to go around him at which time he gave me the finger. Without even thinking about it I returned the favor. Pulled up, parked and went straight to the back of my dentist's office to wash my hands. Mind you I had been going to this dentist for well over 10 years. As I'm returning to the front of the office I hear loud voices and I'm thinking to myself, what the heck is goings on. At that time, I noticed this ill tempered 5 foot Asian guy headed my direction screaming "why did u honk at me why did you honk at me...you honk 2 times (putting 2 fingers in my face)"? Slightly amused I say "what are you talking about I will honk until my horn falls off, what's your problem." So he then tells me that I woke up his son and says "why did you honk at me you black beetch." I'm like WORD "call me a black bitch one more time and I'm going to slap the fuck outta you." So his little bitty ass pushed me out of his face cause by that time I was all up in his funky ass grill. So as promised I slapped the fuck outta him knocking his glasses off his face and cutting the bridge of his nose. By this time his wife had come in with a kid on her hip and holding another one's hand. He noticed his wife had just seen him get bitch slapped and turned around and upper cutted me to the stomach. Didn't feel the effects of that until later that night...little fucker! My brother heard the noise and hopped out of the dentist's chair novocained out the game and jumped in the middle of me and the little Asian. The only thing that stopped was him getting at me. When I say I commenced to whopping off in his ASS I say I temporarily lost my mind and beat him like he stole something. I'm about 5'8 so I was towering over both of them. I proceeded to single handedly, and by that I mean I really only used one hand because the other hand was holding my pocketbook, deliver 25-30 blows to the head. His wife tried to stop the beat down at which time I gave a good solid blow to the chest and said "bitch get off me." Finally my brother was able to stop the madness. Dude, looking like he had just seen a ghost, (yeah the ghost of slaves past and present) left the office and called the police. Po po's come in and immediately put me in handcuffs. I see dude outside with the ambulance pointing at his head. I'm balling crying thinking about explaining this shit to my mom. After I told my E true Hollywood side of the story, they let me go and wrote it up as a mutual combat and ordered us to appear in court. Went to a hearing designed to informally resolve the issues but dude really wanted to press charges against me. He failed to tell the officer that he had pushed me first. Dude could barely speak English and the officer was able to manipulate the situation and get him to say, on record, that he pushed me first (self defense bitches). So no charges were ever brought. However, I wasn't satisfied with that and neither was my soon to be step dad "the lawyer." We filed a civil case against him for assault and battery, you know ninjas always trying to get paid. Come to find out, he had no money and I forced him into bankruptcy which at the very least fucked up his credit for 10 years. If you ever ask my brother why he didn't jump in, he'll tell you "my sister didn't need no help." My only regret was showing my ass in front of Dr. Chung...I love him. It took me awhile to return to his office but I gotten a cavity and so I had to go. I asked him if hated me and he said No. I was very happy they treated me as if it I hadn't totally showed my ass in his officer beating one of his very own to pulp...I made orange juice with his baby premie ass. Lol
Now it's your turn...tell me about a story when you got into a fight and if you've never had the pleasure of whopping someone's ass, tell me about a time where you was this close (my two fingers are really close together) to proving to someone that you don't take no shit.

Let's talk about sex baby...let's talk about you and me...

All bullshit aside, does size really matter?? I can recall one of my very good friends from high school once told me the best sex she ever had was with a dude with a smenis (small penis...ac). Fortunately and sometimes unfortunately, I've never really had a really small one. I know all my ex boo's are breathing a sigh of relief. The smallest I've had was with a dude who was half black half mexican, you do the math...but erect it wasn't half bad. It sucked cause he was fine as shit!!!!! What I have had is the ding dong that is toooooooooooooooooo big. Some might say this doesn't exist...oh but it does. There was never a time when it didn't hurt. It hurt going in, it hurt coming out, couldn't take it from the back...didn't want it from the back...on top was horrible...but I took it, all in the name of love. Go fucking figure. And then there was dude that was HUNG and on top of that he wasn't circumcised which added an additional centimeter or two to the circumference. I'm sooooo cool, what the fuck do I look like. Anywho, I take the position that size does matter but bigger is not always better. I do have boundaries...I think they are called walls!!! But for you women who prefer big 10 inch donkey dicks, here's a way to weed out the smenis'...ask the dude if he's ever given a women a bladder infection??? If he hasn't, he's probably not worth the fuck...if he has, you may just have yourself a winner. Now I prefer 7-8 inches tops. I'll take 6 if you got the right moves. Presently, I'm getting it better than any woman should so its all to the good. And I'm just going to leave it at that.
Okay so here's my story. I was talking to this dude, really liked him but was taking things slow as I usually do. We fooled around but I never saw his thang and interestingly enough, never felt it. Now I was quite sure what to think about that. There were times when we were kissing and I was on top of him in the fucking position and didn't feel any bulge. You would expect to feel some kinda of bulge right?? Nope never not once. Was too afraid to touch it because that's like a sign saying I wanted it and I didn't. Tried many ways to decipher what he was working with but to no avail. Although this theory is by no means full proof, I wondered whether it was anything like his fingers and feet...short and stumpy. That's never good. In any event I finally caught a glimpse of it after he showered and it didn't even hang below the balls. Looked like a baby's dick, a little wee wee. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? Is it even suckable?? When you can only use your pointer finger and thumb to hold on to it something something just ain't right. I'm use to having to use my whole fist and then some. Shit two hands. Needless to say, it NEVER went down. Shortly thereafter figured out a way to let him down gently. Didn't want to give the guy a complex but there was no way I was coming close to that.
You already know...tell me your worst sex story or your best...
I add to my THINGS TO DO LIST never date a guy with short stumpy fingers and toes...that don't even sound attractive.

Again I must ask, what about your friends??

After much thought, well like 10 minutes which is ample time for me, I decided to question the loyalty of our friends. I've had a few minor situations when it comes to those I choose to keep in my life. I call them minor because if they were MAJOR that would mean someone got knocked the fuck out!! There is one thing I do not play with and that's friendships. I value my friends so much that if I feel I've been double crossed triple crossed or kriss krossed JUMP JUMP, I will surely let you know about it. Do right by me and I'll do right by me. All friends are not the same and therefore you can't expect the same things from them. Some friends are for seasons, some for reasons, and some for a lifetime. The friends for a lifetime you should cherish with all your heart. Those are your girls who are by your side, rich or broke, sane or insane, happy or sad, single or married, hairless or hairy!! But every now and again you slip up and allow someone in your life that isn't right for you. They may be jealous or miserable or broke or just plain clueless.
So here's my story, so I had a girl, let's call her Lil D, who I went to high school with that I was pretty close to. My other girl, we'll call her Lil A, dated my boyfriend's best friend. So it was my boyfriend's birthday but we were mad at each other. So he went out with his bff, Lil A and apparently Lil D was asked to tag along. Knowing the situation, Lil D should have just stayed her ass at home but NO, she opted to hang out. Now a real friend would have went, peeped the scene, got the juice and updated me on the things that went on in my absence. She obviously was no friend of mine. So I was not concerned with anything that had went on until the next day. Called my friends, no answer. Called my boo, no answer. Finally I talked to HIM before I talked to either of them. He told me they hung out and ended up spending the night at a hotel. So my boo's bff and Lil A slept together, and my boo and Lil D slept together!! WTF!!! And to make matters worse, she took off her pants and slept with her T-SHIRT and her PANTIES on. He told me nothing happened but she was trying to get close in the bed and rub her titties on him. Now who fucking knows, he could have been putting the 10 on the 2 but what other choice did I have but to believe him. He came forward first. Neither of them told me anything until I had a story from him. No. 1, it is NEVER ok to sleep in the bed with my man. No. 2, how fucking dare you take off anything BITCH, you should have kept ya muh fucking clothes on...I don't care if you had on an evening dress bitch! No. 3, did you think it was going to be okay to avoid my calls and were you ever going to tell me what went down if he didn't? Long story short, I cut that bitch completely off and made her life miserable for a good year or so. Maybe someone could tell in the comment section that time in particular up in the Bay, hahaha! She gave me card apologizing and what not but there was no way I could ever trust her again. What was that?? what ever happened with the boo??? Of course you know my stupid ass kept him around for more shenanigan's!!! I guess I use to like drama.
Okay, so once again ladies (and gents) it's your turn. Tell me a story about when one of your so called friends betrayed you.
I add to my THINGS TO DO list, never befriend an adult who weighs less than 100 pounds who's boobs are bigger than her head.

Giving up, giving in or socking somebody in they muh fuckin face.....

Why are guys so fucking triflin??? This is one thing I just don't get. I believe I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that guys aren't too good at concealing their indiscretions but at some point YOU GOTS TO DO BETTER. They always claim they "never meant to hurt you" or "they are sooooo sorry" or ask "what can I do to make it better"? You can fucking stop doing the stupid shit that got you here in the first fucking place. And unfortunately after significant time has passed and a certain bond has been created it becomes increasingly harder to walk away. Why is this? Do we value ourselves less now that we are in this relationship? Do we think we can change them? Do we secretly like to be treated like chattel? Because if a man shows signs of a disrespectful, selfish, controlling two timing dog in the beginning, chances are they don't get very far. It's only after they set the tone for a fabulous relationship and then turn the freaking tables on us is it then even a question as to whether you should stay or go. Go bitch go!!! Head for the hills, Beverly Hills shit...you can be broke and miserable all by your damn self. If you're going to deal a man's shit then he might as well have some paper to drop on you. Fuck, I'm tired of being put through bull shit and then having to buy my own McDonald's. What the fuck do I have you for you sorry bastard.
Here's my story, so it was my birthday and I was filling out applications for law school. It was the deadline for a couple of schools. Anyone that knows me knows I wait until the last minute for things so at the 11th hour I was finishing up the applications. Headed to the post office cause they had to be postmarked that day. My boyfriend had planned an extravagant evening for us, in an attempt to make up for the several birthdays which went by and he didn't nothing. So we get to the post office and FUCK the line is out the fucking door. I'm secretly heated but it had to get done. This fool hops out the car and goes OFF. Shouting and spitting and shit all in my muh fucking face. People are looking in shock. I'm trying to keep my composure so I wouldn't appear scared. Oh but a bitch was scared!! So by the time I got the applications mailed off his plans for me were ruined. He drove me home dropped me off and went on about his business. Mind you in the back seat of the truck there was about 15 white boxes with red ribbons. A couple days later after he calmed down and I forgave him he gave me 1 of the gifts because it was not returnable. That ninja really returned all my muh fucking gifts, dirty bastard!! And you wanna know what he gave me, a cheesy hello kitty house phone! I was so freaking mad. But as we tend to do, I blamed myself for doing things so late and chalked it up and continued to be with his ass. WHY???? Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.
Anywho, ladies (and gentlemen if you must), tell me about the worst a man has done to you. I'm talking about lying, cheating, beating, stealing, and killing (oh lawd hopefully I don't get any posts from a dead bitch)!
Add to my THINGS TO DO LIST, never deal with an indian giver!

Ever been caught up???

This may sound hypocritical but now I'd like to talk about getting caught up. This don't happen often but it has happened once or twice. I generally learn from my mistakes so I never get caught the same way twice. Here goes...

So remember the 8 year relationship?!?!? Well it was dysfunctional, to say the least. Stupid me, knew he was being less the honest from the get go...why I stayed I will never know. The chick before me was a constant problem for the first year. He had many dealings with her because he claimed she was doing his homework for him and whatever others lies he came up with. Long story short, I didn't feel he was in it to win so I also did my thug thizzle. There was one guy in particular who I was talking to. He knew I had a boyfriend but wasn't concerned. So one weekend I told my boyfriend I was going to DC to visit my sister. I was actually visiting him. So we spent the weekend together. Called my boo while he was handling business. My dude was none the wiser. Went on as if nothing ever happened...bad girl. So one day dude decided to roll up to my crib. Now I was living in my mom's house alone cause she had moved in with her boyfriend now husband. My boo was basically living with me. One night around 2:00am my house phone starts ringing. Of course I didn't answer it. Ring ring ring...I'm thinking to myself...who in the fuck is calling me. Shortly thereafter, there was a knock on the door. My heart sunk. My boo says go see who it is. At this point I'm in fear of my life. My boo was right behind me. I looked out the window to see who it was and low and behold it was my fucking weekend rendezvous!!! WTF is he doing here???? My boo is like why is he here?? I'm like I have no absolute idea. I never answered the door. He didn't make me. In hindsight I think my dude was afraid because dude was bigger and older than him. So what does dude do, goes back to the car and blows my house phone up AGAIN!!! Seriously, this dude has lost his mind. This time my boo says, answer the phone...see what he wants!! So I answer the phone, cool and calm. Asked him why he was calling. Why would he do that. What the heck was he thinking about. Got off the phone and my boo went nuts. Told me that I had went off on him worse for not taking out the trash but this dude disrespected like that and that was all I had to say. I was speechless. Apologized and apologized. But in reality it had all worked out as if I had planned the whole thing. I didn't want to totally go off on dude because I wanted to keep him in my back pocket just in case it didn't work out with my boo. We had so many issues that I wasn't quite sure it was going to work. Anywho, for whatever reason...my boo never really mentioned that story again. That is until maybe 6 months later dude rolled up to my house again unannounced in the middle of the day. Said he was just stopping by the say hello. I mean WHAT, do we not know how to use phones!!!

Again, I ask my faithful readers to tell me about a time they got CAUGHT UP!!! It happens to the best of us!

I add to my THINGS TO DO list, don't cheat unless you are ready for the ramifications of getting caught!!

How far will one go??

In an attempt to justify some of my own craziness...I'd like to ask my 5 readers (ha!) how far will you go for love?? In other words, what's the craziest thing you've ever done in the name of love?



I will admit that I have done some crazy, borderline psycho things, all in the name of love. Was with a guy for 8 years...yes I said 8!! Moved away and went to law school. Now you would expect your bf to get into some kind of trouble but never did I imagine he would have a whole other gf and actually had the nerve to move in with her. Slowly but surely I began to notice a difference in him but when I stopped talking to him completely in the night time, I knew something was up. I only came home maybe 4 times a year so he had a lot of free time. Wanna know how I caught that ninja up???? Was home visiting one weekend, was in his car and found a parking ticket on the side of the door. Examined it. Noticed it was one of the tickets for parking on the street during street cleaning times. Didn't recognize the address so I slipped the ticket in my pocketbook for further investigation. So I had an address. Went through his phone looking for suspicious numbers. Found one. Call up a family member who shall remain anonymous cause she could have potentially lost her job for doing me this favor. She worked for the phone company so I gave her the number and she gave me an address. Address matched the ticket. Went to the address. Waited for someone to come out so I could go into the apartment complex. As I was walking in he was walking out. He kept it moving like he didn't see me. Rushed to his car. We met up outside in front of the complex. Tahhhhh dahhhhhhh...caught up ain't even the word.



Remember how you used to get voicemail codes??? Let me refresh your memory. This was when house phones were still in. You wait for your bf to check his voicemail on the house phone. You pick up another phone and call your pager...yeah I said pager. When it prompts you to put in a number, you pick up the phone he used and press redial. All the numbers he hit would then be sent to your pager. The first ten would be the phone number and the next several would be the access code. Golden!!!



Or what about finding a undeveloped camera, before the digital age, and getting the pictures developed before he realizes it's missing!! For some reason guys like to keep records of shit they do. Women know this is a no no!! We will keep a fucking half eaten lollipop our bf had but when it comes to any wrong doing on our part, we throw away any and all evidence. Guys aren't so smart.



Or what about simply just being a temporary stalker for a night or two. Never under estimate the power of a surprise visit. Some women are too afraid of the consequences if he ever found out. Not me!



Well I'm starting to feel like a hot funky mess so please, share some of your stories with me!!!



Add to my THINGS TO DO LIST, revise my resume and add that I am a professional investigator and offer my services to those in need!!

Ain't nothing out but the devil at 5am.....

Question: if your boyfriend went to a party, didn’t answer your phone calls at 4am, called around 4:45am to say he was on his way home from his homeboy’s house…how many of you would believe that?

Relationships are difficult, and even more so when you’re faced with situations like this. Obviously it just happened to me. I was furious when he got home but didn’t actually show it. I had gotten a little faded my damn self and was too dizzy to really do anything that night. Just let him crawl into bed, wrap his arms around me and pass out. I thought I smelled perfume when he walked in but then again, he was just at a club right?!?!? So the next morning I got up and went to work, still feeling some kinda way. Called my girl as I headed to court to get a second opinion. She didn’t believe he would do something like that to me, in other words, cheat on me and come home and lay up as if nothing happened. I wasn’t so sure. He sent me a text saying he was sorry and did I forgive him. Forgive you for what I asked. He said he didn’t know but he knows I’m feeling some kinda way about something. I said if you were 100% honest with me then you have nothing to apologize for. He called. So the story goes…after the club they all went to eat and back to his homeboy’s house for more drinks. It was about 6 guys, and 3 girls. He claims not to have known the girls. After the midnight snack, 4 of the guys went to the dude’s house along with the 3 girls. He claims he didn’t call to give me a heads up because he knew that I would have asked a billion questions and he would have looked like a simp in front of his friends. Allegedly 1 dude got his dick sucked. He claims to have had no contact with any of the chicks. Now do I believe him or not?? I did believe him but it lead to a discussion of why he should have called versus why he didn’t call. I will admit that I would have asked many questions and it probably would have upset the rest of my night thinking about what could happen. Is he justified in not calling? If I believe nothing happened should I let it go without incident? We’re not married so I try to make it as easy as possible for us to stay as close as possible. If he feels like I’m going to bitch and complain about every little thing I will never get the ring. But am I selling myself short? How bad was his decision not to call? I told him that I was very worried and was just about to call 911 or the highway patrol, who knows what could have happened to him. This is LA baby…ain’t nothing out but the devil at 5am.

Anywho, the situation is behind us now. I’m over it. Any thoughts??

What about your friends........

So I feel the need to share a story from last night to get some feedback so I can make a final determination as to how I feel about this whole situation. I invited my girl out last night to this BET pre-party at club Royale. It ended up being a bigger deal than anticipated. So my girl gets to my house and is like UGH! I'm like UGH what?!?!? She's like, you don't know how to have a boyfriend. I'm like what are you talking about? Now it would have been reasonable for her to be referencing the fact that I spend a whole lot of time with my dude and rarely see her and/or talk to her anymore. There's more to that story but I'll just move on. So, I'm like WHAT!!!!! She's like, what do you have on...why do you have so many clothes on...you look like somebody's wife (exactly)...like you have a family waiting for you at home (what I strive for, duh). Ok and what exactly do you want me to do with this information! So I took it to mean she didn't like what I had on!!! She's like, look what I'm wearing...this is all I'm wearing, displaying a cute little green number, I ain't mad! Now the fact that I didn't laugh should have at least been a hint but no she continues to slam my outfit. I'm like dang "that's not nice....and well I thought I looked cute when I got dressed." What the fuck are you trying to say?!?!?! So she finally got wind that I wasn't feeling her commentary and she's like, oh well your shirt is cute. Um a tad bit too late sweetie. So I was completely detached the whole night. Didn't really want to go in the first place and was really irritated now that my homegirl basically pumped me all the way down. Who wants to hear that shit on the way out?!?!? Was I suppose to change my clothes to appease her? I didn't and didn't find any problem with guys trying to hollah. That's gonna happen regardless. I don't need to be naked to have ninjas on my team. So anywho, the night was kind of a bust but what's funny is I just saw pictures from the party on wireimage and I'm like wow...all that happened?! I stayed my ass in the corner all night not wanting to be bothered. My beautiful sis showed up and kind of bridged the gap. After my boo got there I focused all my attention on him and tried leave that other situation alone because I was quite perturbed. Again I ask, who does that???

I add to MY THINGS TO DO LIST, next time I don't like something my "friend" is wearing, be very vocal about it just before we go out! WTF!

Baby Mama's..................

Y’all don’t get it twisted; this is surely not an anthem praising those whom we now refer to as “Baby Mama’s.” This is more of a support group for those of us who have to deal with these biatches! Let’s start by defining what exactly a Baby Mama is. Simply put, a Baby Mama is someone who has had a child out of wedlock. For whatever reason, she opted to have a child without being married to his or her father. In my experience, 90% of Baby Mama’s are not with their child’s father, hence the term Baby Mama derived by Baby Daddy's for lack of better verbiage to describe the woman who is now giving their present girlfriends all kinds of ridiculous drama. Now there are at least 3 different types of Baby Mama Drama; equally stressful yet some more manageable than others.

Situation #1, we’ll call it “Baby Mama I got my own Drama” – this kind of situation involves a Baby Mama whom has since moved on and started a new life with someone else and only involves your boyfriend a/k/a her Baby Daddy for money and babysitting services. This Baby Mama, or BM, typically has a job, makes decent money, can’t stand her Baby Daddy, but chooses the high road and wants her child to have a father so she deals with him in doses. She allows visitation and collects a check every now and again for the hard work she puts in on a regular basis. Now this chick I can deal with. If it didn’t work out with y’all, the intelligent thing to do is move on and not hold a grudge for the rest of your life. You both are equally responsible and should share the responsibility accordingly. It is not necessary to curse his name at every given moment and attempt to make his life miserable just because you are now miserable. She is now more concerned that her new man is drinking all the babies milk, sitting on the couch playing Madden and expecting dinner when she gets home from a long day’s work. But I can’t even get into that because that’s a problem in and of itself (she needs to figure out why her pussy is attracting these types of guys but whatever). Like I said, this situation I can deal with.

Situation #2, we’ll call it “Baby Mama thought he was the one and now that maybe he’s not I don’t know what to do Drama” - A little more complicated and extremely hard to deal with. Now this chick had the child thinking that she was going to marry her Baby Daddy and live happily ever after. Not! So for whatever reason, they didn’t work out. Maybe he cheated, maybe he combed her hair, maybe she wasn’t satisfying him so he had to look elsewhere, maybe she was so fucking pressed that she stressed him the fuck out and pushed him away. So she still loves him, and him her, but she can’t get over the bullshit that occurred in the relationship. He feels guilty so he showers her with gifts, pays her phone bill, her car is in his name, spends most holidays with the “family,” always answers her phone calls and she doesn’t know anything about you. However, because he presently ain’t getting no ass from his BM (they’ve probably had sex 2-3x since they’ve been broken up), he has moved on and is getting it somewhere else. So he has a quasi-relationship with the chick he fucks but can’t commit to anything because he just might try and make his “family” work for the sake of the kids. So you’re caught in a no win situation cause now you have fallen in love with him. You love and respect him so much that one day when she popped up at his apartment you hid out in the spare bedroom until she left. Or you tend to keep quiet when he’s on the phone with her. Or you see her friends out at a club and you’re okay with being introduced as his client. So now you are pressed about having a relationship with him and he can’t give you a fucking answer cause he is waiting on her to decide whether she will take him back and in that case you’re shit out of luck! Your chances are not good so play at your own risk!

Situation #3, we’ll call it “Baby Mama he belongs to me forever Drama” – This situation is pointless and I suggest you run for the hills. So this chick thinks that her Baby Daddy belongs to her and that as long as she has a say she will never allow him to be happy with another woman. So she pops up at his crib, at his job, at the club and sometimes maybe even at your job. She found out who you were because the last time she was at his crib she got your number out of his 2way while he was in the bathroom. She calls you and asks why you are ruining her life. She leaves notes on your car after you’ve spent the night calling you a ho and a home wrecker. She dope fiend you in the club and at that time you didn’t even know who she was. She found your myspace page and has her friends send you messages. He trys to stay out of it because he enjoys the drama and ultimately loves his BM and doesn’t care enough about you to stop her disrespect. You are never invited to family functions because the BM has an open invitation. He tells you his BM is crazy but doesn’t do anything to stop the madness. Very clear signs that he doesn’t love you but yet you continue to take the abuse because you’ve never been fucked like that before. No dick is worth all this so just let her have his trifling ass!

Now if your situation falls into one of these categories, which is by no means exhausted, you have many options. You can leave. I know it will hurt now but in the long run you might be better off. How much do you have to suffer before you realize enough is enough? In most cases, he loves his BM, and how can he not love the woman who bore his child. He feels guilty for all the hurt that he’s caused her and will sometimes dedicate his life to making up for his mistakes even if it costs him his own happiness. Sometimes his trifling ways should be enough for you to leave him alone and move on to bigger and better things. No man is worth all that. If we cared about ourselves more maybe we wouldn’t put up with bullshit. I find that women who come from two parent homes are less likely to deal with nonsense. They know what it means for a man to truly love a woman and expect that for their own lives. Sometimes I feel that woman without kids are better off with men without kids albeit a man without children is not the norm in our society. Because men’s lives typically don’t change when they have children they are much more likely to have them starting at a very young age. Comedians, TV shows, people in general, laugh of this epidemic of Baby Mama Drama but if you’re living it you are less likely to think the shit is funny. Matters of the heart are not funny. It doesn’t feel good to know that one woman will always have an edge over you. No matter how much you try you can never compete. You’ve lost before you’ve even started. Who wants to play a game that you can’t win. Why waste the time?

Is Baby Mama Drama worth it?

Additionally, and in response to Anonymous' comment, I'd like to salute those BMs who have chosen to put their children's happiness first. Obviously this rant of mine does not speak to every BM/BD situation out there. No offense to those of y'all who aren't presently making my life a living hell!

I add to my THINGS TO DO LIST, after this one -- never date a man with children!

The truth about cats and dogs!

So I wanted to speak briefly on the idea of fellatio and cunnilingus in 2007; have you improved, remained the same, or stopped doing it altogether! Is it okay to not have perfected your technique at...let's say 30?!?! Are you still grossed out by the thought of it! Do you wish you could take a class in it?!?! Is it hindering your ability to have good sex?!?!?! Are you too afraid to even talk about it?!?!?!

Let's be realistic here, if you're 25 or better, the reality is you've done it and probably have a lot more of doing it ahead of you. If you're still grossed out by the thought of it I suggest you order a few pornos online (cause I know you're not brave enough to rent one at the video store) and pay very close attention to what's going on. You are not my kinda girl/guy so I propose you come back to me when you've learned a thing or two!

Moving on....WHAT!!

Now it is my sincere belief that with each experience you should learn something to take with you on your journey through life, up to and including figuring out how to make your lover scream your name when giving him/her oral pleasure.

Females, you should learn (1) which of his other areas to manipulate while you are sucking him up, (2) how deep can you take it, (3) how wet can you keep it, (4) humming on it is well taken, (5) talking to it makes it talk back, and (6) looking good while you're doing it is an added bonus. Every man loves good brain and I ain't talking about book smarts. Practice makes perfect so ladies I suggest whichever man you are with right now (choose 1 please biatches!!) and go to work. Be totally uninhibited. Move it up down sideways and diagonal. Slap it flip it rub it down...learn the magic tricks...go for it anywhere anytime anyhow...and if you have a small mouth I propose extracting your back molars so you can get a more few inches ("others" ya'll don't have to worry about this, hehe). Not only will your present boo LOVE you to death but you will get the practice you need to successfully sustain a marriage.

Men, you need to learn, (1) WHICH area needs to be stimulated (and I can tell you it is not the lips), (2) how to avoid missing the boat ENTIRELY, (3) if you're not an expert it will take longer than a minute, (4) we DON'T appreciate the EFFORT, (5) due diligence is well taken, and (6) sometimes we want to be done when you're done! Again, practice makes perfect fellas so keep at it and at some point you'll get it right. Its not as easy as it looks, it takes patience, resourcefulness and a little bit of love. I will say that I've had somebody down there well over 30 minutes without incident. It just got to the point where I said, Fuck it, get up!! I've also had someone that purported NOT to do it, tried it very rarely and was a sheer waste of my time. But hey, what can you do!!!

Bottom line, perfect your technique, seek advice, don't stop trying, and don't get complacent! I add to my THINGS TO DO LIST, see how long I can hold my breathe!!

Let's go get kicked out of Applebee's...WHAT!!

Its been almost a month since my last blog and quite a few events have transpired since. Most couldn't survive a day in my life but hey that's what makes me ME...a certified bombshell gettin wicked in court evidencing my unparalleled passion for justice for all.

Anywho, I'd just like to through this question out there and get some feedback. Why is it when a not so attractive woman roams the earth professing her beauty to anyone who will listen it is regarded as self confidence but for a noticeably attractive woman she is seen as vain??!! Our society is all fucked up! Jealously and envy run deep within our own circles and its really unfortunate more sistahs aren't celebrating each other's beauty as opposed to despising it. It isn't always easy being beautiful. Why must we constantly compare ourselves to what others have accomplished to determine our own worth? Church was particularly interesting on Sunday speaking to all the judgmental folk out there who participate in everything but SELF analysis. If anyone is going to scrutinize you it should be YOU. Spoken like a true pimp...how you gonna let someone tell YOU how YOU feel about YOU SIMPLE BITCH...its called SELF esteem...its esteem of yo mutha fuckin SELF!!

Why do people, women in general, feel the need to let you know about yourself?! Its always the chick with no man giving you advice on your relationship, the chick with no job giving you advice on how to handle your boss, the chick with no style giving you advice on what not to wear, the chick who sleeps with someone on their first encounter giving you advice on why you should break up with your boyfriend because while on business trip he mistakenly slept with some chick from the club after one too many drinks...you get the point right?!?! My suggestion, tell that bitch to fuck off and mind her own business before you comb her hair!! I'm so damn tired of these women with so much negativity to spread around the table but find it almost impossible to compliment a sistah on something positive. Fuck em!

Another point I'd like to touch on this Monday afternoon is whether the old saying "Once a cheater always a cheater" is accurate?? And can men every really be faithful?? And what types of activities are forgivable and which ones aren't?? Most women may find it difficult to relate to my personal thoughts on these issues. I'm not sure whether my directives are easy to follow but I assure you (this statement is not meant to be legally binding bitches) that a little bit goes a long way. One of my really close friends calls me the BEST GIRLFRIEND EVER. At times she requests advice from the old ME as opposed to the new ME. An abundance of trials and tribulations have given me a lot of food for thought and I've chosen to adapt accordingly. Above all else I want to be happily married with a man who wants nothing more than to come home to ME. With that being said I believe there are certain things one must do in order to achieve this goal. I'm a traditionalist when it comes to relationships, I've been domesticated; I cook, clean, run errands, have sex anywhere anytime, and all this is in addition to holding down a REAL job putting in 50-60 hours a week. When he's sad I listen to his problems, when he's mad I ask him what can I do for him, when he's tired I rub his back, when he's frustrated I leave him alone and when he's happy I'm happy. Now I'm sure a few of you are thinking that I must be the craziest woman in America but let me tell you what I get for this sacrifice and I will admit its a sacrifice but one I'm willing to make. I'm with him 24/7, we party together, we eat good in the neighborhood, we talk all the time about any and everything that is going on in our lives, we have a mutual respect for each, he's honest even when it hurts, and I trust wholeheartedly that when he says something he means it. I couldn't ask for a better relationship. A friend just questioned why I don't snoop when I'm alone at his house and I simply stated FOR WHAT!! Why are we so afraid to be happy!! I'm not!!!

I put on my THINGS TO DO LIST...next bitch who asks me anything about my relationship simply ask her WHY THE FUCK DO YOU WANT TO KNOW!

Drama Queen

As time goes by I'm feeling more and more comfortable in court. Today I was scheduled for a mini-trial in Bellflower. I call it "mini" because when one typically thinks of trial they think of a long drawn out process similar to the infamous OJ trial. But my session was going to take less than 2 hours, maybe even 1. But I was prepared to bombard the Defendant with question after question probing for inconsistencies. Literati Litigator in full force and effect, lol. For some reason though I can not escape DRAMA.

I was late to rise this morning because I turned in kind of late. Court wasn't until 10:00am so I didn't anticipate much traffic headed east. Who goes east anyway?!?! I'm a third of the way to Bellflower, right around the Compton area, and I realize that I forgot my damn shoes. I slipped on some shimmery slip-ons (hehe) and at one point had my heels in my hand but between grabbing my house-in-a-bag (a/k/a my purse), my legal bag and briefcase, the shoes got lost in translation! I momentarily considered the possibility that I would have to walk into court with a navy blue suit, bronze shirt and arguably house shoes. What on earth would the citizens of California represented in the Bellflower courthouse think of me? In the alternative I put the c230 kompressor to work and booked it northwest to get my damn shoes. Realizing that I had 35 minutes to get there and back I called for backup. Woke my brother up and asked if he could meet me near the freeway entrance with my damn shoes. Luckily he obliged and we made a clean exchange. Hopped back on the freeway taking penitentiary chances to make it to court on time. Being late is definitely frowned upon. I made it there at 9:01. Entered court and they weren't even ready for us. What's more, the Defendant was "recovering" from some illness and unavailable to sit for trial. Trial continued for 2 weeks. All that for nothing. Not to mention gas is an arm, a leg and a sock right now. $3.50 for a damn gallon of gas, Bush better go somewhere with all this madness.

Anywho like I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted, I'm feeling more comfortable and not easily intimidated by these know-it-all lawyers. All in due time I will be a force to be reckoned with. Believe that!

I add to MY THINGS TO DO LIST, always always have a pair of black pumps in the trunk. See ya never know!

Update...

You remember (and who could forget), the two stylistically challenged, greasy wrap wearing sistahs from Michigan right. So it just so happened that my sweetie was hosting a work related function on Thursday and his homegirl showed up with one of them. I stopped through solo to show my unwavering support (you know the drill), peeped his homegirl and her hopeless friend talking tomy guy. I of course spoke to his friend and purposefully avoided eye contact with the other. Who would want to look at that anyway! Shortly thereafter, her friend tapped me on my shoulder and said what's up. Now this is the part I don't get. Weren't you just talking ish about me, wondering why I was the chosen one and now you want to say hi. FOR WHAT!!! I hesitantly gave her a little head nod and muttered hey. She commented on the fact that I was holding 2 drinks...I gave her a fake ass smile and disappeared. Latter on my sweetie, let's call him Heathcliff (only because I sometimes like to refer to myself as the 2007 Claire Huxtable, hehe!), was approached by his homegirl asking whether or not he told me about the conversation which transpired after dinner. Of course he did and he let her know. She later approached me, smiling, saying that she noticed my fake hello I gave to her girl. Now this I can respect, she accepted what it was and treated me, and it, accordingly. Now she could have gotten mad at me, or Heathcliff but the reality is we would have never known had she not opted to tell on her girl. Oh well!

I added to my THINGS TO DO LIST, never tell someone's boyfriend that my friends were talking ish about his girlfriend.

Jury duty...

So I’ve temporarily abandoned my blog to perform my annually required civic obligation, jury duty. Anticipating spending one day maximum downtown at the courthouse disgruntled like the rest of my peers, I surprisingly got picked to sit on a jury. Quite honestly, I’ve always wanted to be a juror thinking maybe I would luck up on an OJ-like trial and reap all the benefits, you know…write a bestseller recalling my experience as juror #11 and have a TV movie made from the book. A girl can dream can’t she? But to no avail, my case, a civil matter, is nothing more than determining liability in a bus to car accident. No broken bones, no shattered pelvis, no disfigurement, nothing, nada, zilch.

What’s interesting about this case is there is a video tape of the accident and yet it’s still not as simple as one might think. The bus was equipped with a camera facing traffic which captured the movement of the bus, up to and including the collision. However, it was a rainy evening and things aren’t as clear as they could be. Opening arguments, 3 days of testimony, 12 pages of notes, closing arguments, 20 pages of jury instruction and the jury finally gets the case. BUT WAIT, there is one little thing left before deliberation. 2 of the 14 jurors will be chosen randomly as alternates, in other words, 2 of the 14 jurors will have NO say so WHATSOEVER regarding their opinion in the matter. You can see where this is going right? The first selection, none only than Mrs. Esquire herself, what a freakin’ crock!!!!! Plaintiff’s attorney looked at me with frustration. I think he ultimately knew which position I would take in this matter given the fact that I am an attorney myself. The cards were written and I was ousted like Star Jones from The View. Now you would at least think that I would be free to go and continue with my life after I had already lost 3 whole days behind this nonsense (yes now its nonsense!). OH BUT NO!!!! To add fuel to the fire, I have to sit with the jury and listen WITHOUT emotion to their deliberations, JUST IN CASE one decides not to show up or God forbid something happens to one of them which would prevent their participation.

I’m infuriated…I had it all planned out, of course I would have offered my services to sit as the jury foreman and facilitate discussions amongst the oblivious jurors. Not that they were unintelligent but that they were not as in tune with the proceedings as I, paying attention to certain things when they should have been aware of others. But that’s neither here nor there. I was going to run the show and minimize time spent deliberating. It took them quite awhile to discern that negligence is not simply a question of “yes he was” or “no he wasn’t.” California follows the comparative negligence theory in which Plaintiff and Defendant can be equally at fault, or 60/40, 70/30, you see what I’m getting at. Very few believe Plaintiff is not wholly responsible nor do they believe Defendant is entirely accountable. They must now come up with some reasonable figure determining each party’s liability. This could seemingly take another day or two out of my life analyzing with scrutiny, poker-faced, as these 12 individuals determine the amount Plaintiff will ultimately be rewarded for injuries sustained on the evening of March 18, 2005.

In addition to this grave injustice, I must then head across town to my office and work an another 4 hours or so playing catch up. By the end of the night all I want to do to cuddle up with a warm body and sleep my aggravation away. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t secretly wish one of the jurors did not show up on Monday but I won’t get my hopes up too high. Let’s just hope that after Monday I can return to my daily routine, working hard and playing even harder.

I added to my THINGS TO DO LIST, avoid jury duty at all costs!!!

The good, the bad and the UGLY

Friday night…

After a long week, research, motions, court, and a tyrant for a boss, dinner with friends, even if they weren’t mine, was welcomed. I arrived first, glass of red, conversation with the waiter; slowly my sweetie, his home girl, and her home girls arrived. Trying to make a good impression (it’s always good for your sweetie’s home girls to like you), I tried to be as sweet as possible, more than usual, it definitely takes an effort.

After small talk, exchange of inquiries, chats about careers, I erroneously thought that these stylistically challenged, greasy wrap wearing, brace face having misfits liked me but turns out they drank haterade with their dinner my sweetie paid for. Questions about whether we were boyfriend/girlfriend surfaced first. Then a phone call relaying their meaningless concerns about my sweetie’s choice of companion followed. Perturbed, a little; concerned, not in the slightest. My dog has more style than these two, and I don’t even own a dog, lmao. My sweetie wants to spit on them, but of course being the lady that I am I would never allow that. That saliva is better used down my throat ;).

I added to our THINGS TO DO LIST, a letter to the mayor of Detroit and/or Flint, Michigan proposing a statewide cease and desist to wearing a wrap after it has obviously ran its course.

Saturday night…

As movie dates rise to the level of couture rather than thrifty, box office blunders become more of a reason for argument over dinner than for whisperings of sweet nothings. Over the weekend, my significant other and I opted for a night at the movies. We both had different agendas. He wanted to see Ghostrider, namely because of Eva Mendes. I wanted to see Reno 911: Miami cause I was in the mood for a good laugh. Wild Hogs and The Number 23 were somewhere in the middle. The Number 23 started first and the decision was made.

Thirty eight dollars and twenty-five cent later, snuggled up on a crude imitation of what the movie theatre deemed comfortable seating, the lights were off and the curtains were up! A slow start prompted a couple of gazes into each others eyes, rubs up my leg, and kisses on the cheek. Not that I mind that at all but 40 minutes into the film and we still had no idea what was going on.

Casting Jim Carrey, albeit one of my favorite comedic actors was a grave misappropriation of resources. The movie was slow, uneventful, the art direction mediocre, the acting sub-par, the writing AWFUL, and it didn’t even warrant toughing it out and staying until the end to see if it could possibly get better. We gladly walked out shaking our heads in complete and utter disgust.

My sweetie added to our THINGS TO DO LIST, a letter to the director/producer relaying our concerns and requesting an immediate return of our money.

WHAT

Good Afternoon and welcome to Legally Beautiful, a quasi-diary of my somewhat jaded past and propitious future. A real genius stuck in an unusually sexy shell. PUT UP OR SHUT UP before I comb your hair... this is how I do it.