Getting it right the FIRST TIME...

OMG guys, its been too long! I wish I had an explanation for why I've been away so long but I don't...just know that I am sorry!

Today I'd like to discuss the concept of getting it right the first time. By this I mean ending up with someone who recognized EARLY on that you were THE ONE and acted accordingly, as opposed to dealing with someone, breaking up, dating others, getting back together, breaking up, dating others, etc. etc. etc.! I think it's something to be said about GETTING IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. I've always said that once you have been with someone too long you begin to lose the IT factor in the relationship and the baggage from the relationship will inevitably cause tension at some point along the way. Let me explain by example.

Several months ago, I met a man during a particularly rough period in my life. He was extremely attractive, intelligent, and fun and sort of an eerie reminder of the EX(that's another story)! In any event, as I do on most occasions when I really like someone, I dove in head first. We instantly became inseparable. I met his son, his mom, aunties, etc. He met my peeps too! And all this in 2 months. BUT, and its a BIG BUT, I was so blinded by my girlish optimism and growing need to be with someone I didn't see (until much too late) that he was not a nice person and was actually taking FULL advantage of me. Now if you know me at all you know that I am a caterer! Everything Beyonce (and her cronies) said in the song I do it ALL and MORE. He recognized this early on and used me accordingly. I was in between jobs at the time and had a lot of free time on my hands. So every day it was something new...Baby can you pick me and K up some dinner...Baby can you go to Cheesecake factory on your way here and pick me up some cheesecake...Baby can you come drive me to the Valley for this basketball tournament...Baby can you cook a couple servings of chicken for me for the rest of the week...Baby can you help me pull up my pants because old out of shape ass messed up my back and can't bend over...Baby can you take me to therapy...you get the picture! And it was always, YES YES YES I CAN! I think Obama might have gotten his slogan from ME! But you know I really don't mind these things when I am in a relationship. Now whether we were in a relationship or not is another interesting question but once you start having sex A RELATIONSHIP OF SOME SORT evolves. So long story short, this went on for about 2 months and then he had an epiphany and told me one day that he was headed down the wrong path and wanted to be better and was looking toward marriage and just needed some time alone. That was fine with me because at the end of the day the D was not so good so I wasn't pressed. That is also an interesting dynamic because sex sometimes is relative and I find it less important when there are a lot of other good things going on (but make no mistake the sex itself wasn't that good (smenis issues) but this brother sucked toes AND SUCH so I could deal, at least temporarily). AGAIN remember that I was devastated at this time by the EX so the "good things" I just referred to were not really GOOD but I didn't know it at the time. Which brings us to the topic at hand...NOW this brother is falling over himself trying to get it back to where it was and unfortunately he is SHIT OUT OF LUCK! When he initially made his way back on the scene I must admit I was entertained. This ninja went from one extreme to the next. I have said some awful things to him (all except you have a smenis) and he still keeps coming back for more. I've told him things I wouldn't say to my worst enemy and yet he is undeterred. I am so confused! Now ALL OF A SUDDEN he realizes how GREAT I AM and how he was mistaken and how he had trust issues and blah blah blah! He is more than willing to open doors, pay for things, accompany me places, massage my ****, and actually do just about WHATEVER I say do. But I don't feel compelled to give him another chance. It burns me up thinking about how he consciously took advantage of me and I don't think I can forget that fact. But its funny because I AM a forgiver but I don't feel the need to forgive him. I just feel like he had the opportunity to have ALL OF ME and he didn't want it and now its too damn late. I find it hard to believe that he went from thinking one way about me and 6 months later ALL THAT has changed and now he sees me as WIFEY!! No way Jose! I want my habibi to tell the story about how when he first saw me he KNEW I was the ONE. It is without issue that maybe things didn't happen at the moment HE KNEW but what I don't want is for my hubby to have had treated MOMMIE like shit at some point and then MOMMIE's stupid ass took him back and now we live happily ever after??!! NOT! The MAN I want needs not to have the gift of hindsight but rather is in such a place as to be able to see the GOOD in ME and recognize that I will make an EXCELLENT WIFEY and ANY MAN who is lucky enough to call me their MRS. will surely enjoy years and years of unconditional LOVE, my UNWAVERING LOVE AND SUPPORT and will NEVER for a second DOUBT my intentions or my HEART!

So this is just how I feel about the LOSERS who always want to come back around after they've FUNKED you over and expect you to FORGIVE AND FORGET! Blow it up your ASS fellas! I think so many times women sell themselves short! Ladies we don't have to settle. Men, you either! Maybe not getting it right the first time should alert us to the possibility that IT AIN'T RIGHT so don't waste your time trying to make something work which AIN'T EVEN WORTH IT!

Please share!

Which side of the table are you on?

So peep game. I need some input from my once 10 now probably 7 loyal readers. I had an interesting experience with a man a while ago. So I am in NY for a couple days and I hit a friend of mine to let him know I was coming to town. A little background...have known this dude for around 3 years. Have seen him all of 4x. A whole lot of cyber flirting but nothing ever panned out. Not even a kiss. Met him at a bar, went out to brunch the next day...a dinner date and club night a year or two later which brings us to present day. Now I cannot confirm who initiated the lunch date but in my mind that doesn't play a huge role. So we had confirmed lunch and I then remembered that I had told another friend of mine, a lady friend, that I was gonna spend some time with her. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I invited my home girl to lunch with me and him. THEN I asked him was it okay and GAVE HIM THE OPTION of lunch with both of us or me alone the very next day. He opted for lunch with the pair. She was 45 minutes late and in the mean time we ordered and had begun eating by the time she got there. He had to get back to work so he asked for the check. Now, I didn't assume one way or the other whether he was going to pick up the entire check or not but what I did assume was that MY lunch for sure was getting paid for. NOPE. So he tells me that he can just leave cash for the bill so we could still hang out. So he slides me some money and I didn't really look it but I knew it looked thin. So once he left I picked up the money and not only did he not pay for my home girl, he did not pay for my meal and he only left 30 bucks for his portion which was 25 plus tax and tip. Boy was I heated. So I immediately texted him "ummm yeah you didn't even leave enough money for your tax and tip. thanks for lunch"! To which he responded with "you've got to be kidding me, you can't be serious" and it all escalated from there. At some point he asked whether I always invited friends and expected them to be fed at which time I told him that I didn't expect him to pay for her or me for that matter but the fact he shorted us for his own meal told the whole story. Not paying for her is one thing. If one felt used then I could see them pulling that move to make a statement. Now whether he thoroughly thought about the statement he was making is quite another story. So this is how I have analyzed the situation. Ok so he is very flirty with me and had even recently discussed how great he thought the two of us meshed and was interested to see what would come of a union between us. So I KNOW that if I said the words, or moved to NY, or just opened the door to something more serious, he was definitely on board but the reality is I hadn't opened the door yet and this is evidenced by not even have kissed the boy yet. I say all that to say I would definitely consider us just friends. So expecting to pay for my girl was stretching it but I REALLY AND TRULY didn't expect him to (kinda had a hunch) but honestly I was interested in seeing what he was gonna do. Sidebar, he's a very well off lawyer and remember this was lunch. Okay so we've gotten over not paying for the home girl. Now MY MEAL is another story. I 100% without a doubt expected him to pay for my lunch so in that sense I guess you can definitely say that I was moded, scratch my neck and all that. What if I was broke and didn't have it, that would have been funny!! So okay he doesn't pay for my meal. Now he leaves 30 bucks for tax and tip on a 25 dollar meal (he claims that he meant to leave 40 bucks). My calculations say about 2 - 2.50 for tax and about 4 bucks or so for tip which roughly calculates to about 31 - 32 bucks!! Okay so now one might think well it was ONLY 2 bucks and really, if it was a ""and he meant to leave 40 (which would have been ample for HIS meal)... was it really that big of a deal??? YES IT MUTHA FUCKIN WAS!! It is what the whole situation implies! One, it says you're CHEAP. I don't do CHEAP. It has CHEAP written all over it because if you were planning on giving 40 and some kinda way it ended up being 30 that means you was paying too close attention (where one might think he wasn't paying attention at all)...I feel he was looking and thinking waay too hard about how much and what he was gonna give and blah blah and ended up shorting nobody but HIMSELF. Had he not made the "mistake" I couldn't have gotten upset (rightfully) and would have just had to chalk it up to the fact that I haven't even kissed this guy and maybe he believes that girls should put out to get fed or maybe he realized that there was no sexual chemistry (at least on my end), who knows! Anyways, he had to know that NOT paying for my meal has consequences though RIGHT??? I would never date someone who didn't pay for my lunch in the beginning of a courtship and yes muh fuckas I said courtship! I think it is proper and MANDATORY to court me. Now courting ME is all relative. If your money is funny but you are stable and standing on YOUR OWN 2 FEET but don't have a whole lot of extra then you find ways to impress me by other means. A single rose. Lunch at the park. Coffee and book browsing. Walk at the beach. You get the picture. But meeting me for lunch and not paying for it is a little crass and especially when you DO have it like that it SAYS a whole lot. And what I heard on that afternoon was KICK THIS MOOMOOFUKU TO THE CURB and keep it pushing. Any thoughts??

2008, 30 and 1....

Clearly I have neglected my faithful readers...all 10 of you, lol...and for that I apologize. I can only write when I am uninhibited and I have been succumbed with drama for the past 4 months. The tyranny of emotions have passed and I am back to my usual CRAZY self and enjoying life as a soon to be 30 year old WOMANJI (don't ask). I would like to take this time to reflect on 2007 and what I have learned from it all.

Lesson No. 1 - NEVER fuck with a man whose baby mama who has absolutely NOTHING going for herself. Misery loves company and she will figure out a way to make your life just as miserable as hers.

Lesson No. 2 - Trust your instincts. GOD has instilled in all of us a self regulating mechanism which subtly warns us of danger and it is up to us to trust that HE is steering us in the right direction.

Lesson No. 3 - You must change your routine in order to find that something new! If you keep looking for a certain "type" of man, you will keep getting treated a certain "type" of way. Don't look for someone to complete you, look for someone who will compliment you.

Lesson No. 4 - Don't kill the messenger. If you were talking shit about someone and they happen to found out because someone you told told them, don't be mad at the messenger be mad that your STUPID self wasn't smart enough to recognize who your real friends are. And FYI, I'm sorry goes a LONG way.

Lesson No. 5 - Don't be afraid to take your cho cha off the negotiating table. Premature intimacy gives the illusion that the relationship is progressing faster than what it really is. It's just sex to him ladies!

Lesson No. 6 - NEVER leave your DNA at the scene of the crime.

Lesson No. 7 - The silicon inserts really do give the perception of cleavage. So rather than dying on the surgery table, a quick trip downtown and $10 dollars can do wonders!

Lesson No. 8 - Don't buy out the bar, buy the night spot!

Lesson No. 9 - Make sure that you are in a relationship for all the right reasons. Never settle. It's just not worth it. Be okay with being alone. Good things come to those who wait. Whether you are 25, 30 or 35, GOD has a plan for you and it is up to you to let him prepare you to receive it.

Lesson No. 10 - Don't ever leave your coats around any of the members of Tres Monet...you might night ever see it again. (Where in the fuck is my hyena fur bitches??!?!?!? I left it at the table when y'all was performing at the Snooty Fox and apparently no one has seen it since)!


Of course most of you will infer, and properly so, that my drama was caused in some way by a man. But as I sit here I realize that it has EVERYTHING to do with me and why I tend to settle for men who are less than worthy. I've been in 3 serious relationships and I have learned from each and every experience. I am determined not to be bitter. And why should I be, I have everything going for myself and more. Up until now, I thought I was ready but I realize I am not. I was not okay with being ALONE. Just ME didn't seem quite fulfilling enough for me. And if you know me I might have made a damn good argument to support my contentions but I was false. As I embark on 30 years of life love and the pursuit of happiness I understand that I have a ways to go and I am okay with that. I love my friends and family, special shouts out to those of you who have touched me from within (Nik Nak, Alana's mama, my Afrimenian, Clam Chowder, Breefah, Airhead, Winter's opposite, Professor Boyfriend, Mama of 3 to be, Geezy, Deebo, and my 8 o'clock service companion (you figure it out)), and as long as I have you all around I know that everything's gonna be alright.

In closing I'd like to wish you all a Happy New Year and I can't wait to see what 2008 has in store for all of us.

Secret Lesson No. 11 - You can flag ANY picture on some one's myspace and it will automatically be deleted. Who fucking knew?!?!?