Listen up, I'm baaaaack but presently uninspired. Give me a week or 3 and once again it's on!!

Getting it right the FIRST TIME...

OMG guys, its been too long! I wish I had an explanation for why I've been away so long but I don't...just know that I am sorry!

Today I'd like to discuss the concept of getting it right the first time. By this I mean ending up with someone who recognized EARLY on that you were THE ONE and acted accordingly, as opposed to dealing with someone, breaking up, dating others, getting back together, breaking up, dating others, etc. etc. etc.! I think it's something to be said about GETTING IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME. I've always said that once you have been with someone too long you begin to lose the IT factor in the relationship and the baggage from the relationship will inevitably cause tension at some point along the way. Let me explain by example.

Several months ago, I met a man during a particularly rough period in my life. He was extremely attractive, intelligent, and fun and sort of an eerie reminder of the EX(that's another story)! In any event, as I do on most occasions when I really like someone, I dove in head first. We instantly became inseparable. I met his son, his mom, aunties, etc. He met my peeps too! And all this in 2 months. BUT, and its a BIG BUT, I was so blinded by my girlish optimism and growing need to be with someone I didn't see (until much too late) that he was not a nice person and was actually taking FULL advantage of me. Now if you know me at all you know that I am a caterer! Everything Beyonce (and her cronies) said in the song I do it ALL and MORE. He recognized this early on and used me accordingly. I was in between jobs at the time and had a lot of free time on my hands. So every day it was something new...Baby can you pick me and K up some dinner...Baby can you go to Cheesecake factory on your way here and pick me up some cheesecake...Baby can you come drive me to the Valley for this basketball tournament...Baby can you cook a couple servings of chicken for me for the rest of the week...Baby can you help me pull up my pants because old out of shape ass messed up my back and can't bend over...Baby can you take me to therapy...you get the picture! And it was always, YES YES YES I CAN! I think Obama might have gotten his slogan from ME! But you know I really don't mind these things when I am in a relationship. Now whether we were in a relationship or not is another interesting question but once you start having sex A RELATIONSHIP OF SOME SORT evolves. So long story short, this went on for about 2 months and then he had an epiphany and told me one day that he was headed down the wrong path and wanted to be better and was looking toward marriage and just needed some time alone. That was fine with me because at the end of the day the D was not so good so I wasn't pressed. That is also an interesting dynamic because sex sometimes is relative and I find it less important when there are a lot of other good things going on (but make no mistake the sex itself wasn't that good (smenis issues) but this brother sucked toes AND SUCH so I could deal, at least temporarily). AGAIN remember that I was devastated at this time by the EX so the "good things" I just referred to were not really GOOD but I didn't know it at the time. Which brings us to the topic at hand...NOW this brother is falling over himself trying to get it back to where it was and unfortunately he is SHIT OUT OF LUCK! When he initially made his way back on the scene I must admit I was entertained. This ninja went from one extreme to the next. I have said some awful things to him (all except you have a smenis) and he still keeps coming back for more. I've told him things I wouldn't say to my worst enemy and yet he is undeterred. I am so confused! Now ALL OF A SUDDEN he realizes how GREAT I AM and how he was mistaken and how he had trust issues and blah blah blah! He is more than willing to open doors, pay for things, accompany me places, massage my ****, and actually do just about WHATEVER I say do. But I don't feel compelled to give him another chance. It burns me up thinking about how he consciously took advantage of me and I don't think I can forget that fact. But its funny because I AM a forgiver but I don't feel the need to forgive him. I just feel like he had the opportunity to have ALL OF ME and he didn't want it and now its too damn late. I find it hard to believe that he went from thinking one way about me and 6 months later ALL THAT has changed and now he sees me as WIFEY!! No way Jose! I want my habibi to tell the story about how when he first saw me he KNEW I was the ONE. It is without issue that maybe things didn't happen at the moment HE KNEW but what I don't want is for my hubby to have had treated MOMMIE like shit at some point and then MOMMIE's stupid ass took him back and now we live happily ever after??!! NOT! The MAN I want needs not to have the gift of hindsight but rather is in such a place as to be able to see the GOOD in ME and recognize that I will make an EXCELLENT WIFEY and ANY MAN who is lucky enough to call me their MRS. will surely enjoy years and years of unconditional LOVE, my UNWAVERING LOVE AND SUPPORT and will NEVER for a second DOUBT my intentions or my HEART!

So this is just how I feel about the LOSERS who always want to come back around after they've FUNKED you over and expect you to FORGIVE AND FORGET! Blow it up your ASS fellas! I think so many times women sell themselves short! Ladies we don't have to settle. Men, you either! Maybe not getting it right the first time should alert us to the possibility that IT AIN'T RIGHT so don't waste your time trying to make something work which AIN'T EVEN WORTH IT!

Please share!

Which side of the table are you on?

So peep game. I need some input from my once 10 now probably 7 loyal readers. I had an interesting experience with a man a while ago. So I am in NY for a couple days and I hit a friend of mine to let him know I was coming to town. A little background...have known this dude for around 3 years. Have seen him all of 4x. A whole lot of cyber flirting but nothing ever panned out. Not even a kiss. Met him at a bar, went out to brunch the next day...a dinner date and club night a year or two later which brings us to present day. Now I cannot confirm who initiated the lunch date but in my mind that doesn't play a huge role. So we had confirmed lunch and I then remembered that I had told another friend of mine, a lady friend, that I was gonna spend some time with her. So I decided to kill two birds with one stone. I invited my home girl to lunch with me and him. THEN I asked him was it okay and GAVE HIM THE OPTION of lunch with both of us or me alone the very next day. He opted for lunch with the pair. She was 45 minutes late and in the mean time we ordered and had begun eating by the time she got there. He had to get back to work so he asked for the check. Now, I didn't assume one way or the other whether he was going to pick up the entire check or not but what I did assume was that MY lunch for sure was getting paid for. NOPE. So he tells me that he can just leave cash for the bill so we could still hang out. So he slides me some money and I didn't really look it but I knew it looked thin. So once he left I picked up the money and not only did he not pay for my home girl, he did not pay for my meal and he only left 30 bucks for his portion which was 25 plus tax and tip. Boy was I heated. So I immediately texted him "ummm yeah you didn't even leave enough money for your tax and tip. thanks for lunch"! To which he responded with "you've got to be kidding me, you can't be serious" and it all escalated from there. At some point he asked whether I always invited friends and expected them to be fed at which time I told him that I didn't expect him to pay for her or me for that matter but the fact he shorted us for his own meal told the whole story. Not paying for her is one thing. If one felt used then I could see them pulling that move to make a statement. Now whether he thoroughly thought about the statement he was making is quite another story. So this is how I have analyzed the situation. Ok so he is very flirty with me and had even recently discussed how great he thought the two of us meshed and was interested to see what would come of a union between us. So I KNOW that if I said the words, or moved to NY, or just opened the door to something more serious, he was definitely on board but the reality is I hadn't opened the door yet and this is evidenced by not even have kissed the boy yet. I say all that to say I would definitely consider us just friends. So expecting to pay for my girl was stretching it but I REALLY AND TRULY didn't expect him to (kinda had a hunch) but honestly I was interested in seeing what he was gonna do. Sidebar, he's a very well off lawyer and remember this was lunch. Okay so we've gotten over not paying for the home girl. Now MY MEAL is another story. I 100% without a doubt expected him to pay for my lunch so in that sense I guess you can definitely say that I was moded, scratch my neck and all that. What if I was broke and didn't have it, that would have been funny!! So okay he doesn't pay for my meal. Now he leaves 30 bucks for tax and tip on a 25 dollar meal (he claims that he meant to leave 40 bucks). My calculations say about 2 - 2.50 for tax and about 4 bucks or so for tip which roughly calculates to about 31 - 32 bucks!! Okay so now one might think well it was ONLY 2 bucks and really, if it was a ""and he meant to leave 40 (which would have been ample for HIS meal)... was it really that big of a deal??? YES IT MUTHA FUCKIN WAS!! It is what the whole situation implies! One, it says you're CHEAP. I don't do CHEAP. It has CHEAP written all over it because if you were planning on giving 40 and some kinda way it ended up being 30 that means you was paying too close attention (where one might think he wasn't paying attention at all)...I feel he was looking and thinking waay too hard about how much and what he was gonna give and blah blah and ended up shorting nobody but HIMSELF. Had he not made the "mistake" I couldn't have gotten upset (rightfully) and would have just had to chalk it up to the fact that I haven't even kissed this guy and maybe he believes that girls should put out to get fed or maybe he realized that there was no sexual chemistry (at least on my end), who knows! Anyways, he had to know that NOT paying for my meal has consequences though RIGHT??? I would never date someone who didn't pay for my lunch in the beginning of a courtship and yes muh fuckas I said courtship! I think it is proper and MANDATORY to court me. Now courting ME is all relative. If your money is funny but you are stable and standing on YOUR OWN 2 FEET but don't have a whole lot of extra then you find ways to impress me by other means. A single rose. Lunch at the park. Coffee and book browsing. Walk at the beach. You get the picture. But meeting me for lunch and not paying for it is a little crass and especially when you DO have it like that it SAYS a whole lot. And what I heard on that afternoon was KICK THIS MOOMOOFUKU TO THE CURB and keep it pushing. Any thoughts??

2008, 30 and 1....

Clearly I have neglected my faithful readers...all 10 of you, lol...and for that I apologize. I can only write when I am uninhibited and I have been succumbed with drama for the past 4 months. The tyranny of emotions have passed and I am back to my usual CRAZY self and enjoying life as a soon to be 30 year old WOMANJI (don't ask). I would like to take this time to reflect on 2007 and what I have learned from it all.

Lesson No. 1 - NEVER fuck with a man whose baby mama who has absolutely NOTHING going for herself. Misery loves company and she will figure out a way to make your life just as miserable as hers.

Lesson No. 2 - Trust your instincts. GOD has instilled in all of us a self regulating mechanism which subtly warns us of danger and it is up to us to trust that HE is steering us in the right direction.

Lesson No. 3 - You must change your routine in order to find that something new! If you keep looking for a certain "type" of man, you will keep getting treated a certain "type" of way. Don't look for someone to complete you, look for someone who will compliment you.

Lesson No. 4 - Don't kill the messenger. If you were talking shit about someone and they happen to found out because someone you told told them, don't be mad at the messenger be mad that your STUPID self wasn't smart enough to recognize who your real friends are. And FYI, I'm sorry goes a LONG way.

Lesson No. 5 - Don't be afraid to take your cho cha off the negotiating table. Premature intimacy gives the illusion that the relationship is progressing faster than what it really is. It's just sex to him ladies!

Lesson No. 6 - NEVER leave your DNA at the scene of the crime.

Lesson No. 7 - The silicon inserts really do give the perception of cleavage. So rather than dying on the surgery table, a quick trip downtown and $10 dollars can do wonders!

Lesson No. 8 - Don't buy out the bar, buy the night spot!

Lesson No. 9 - Make sure that you are in a relationship for all the right reasons. Never settle. It's just not worth it. Be okay with being alone. Good things come to those who wait. Whether you are 25, 30 or 35, GOD has a plan for you and it is up to you to let him prepare you to receive it.

Lesson No. 10 - Don't ever leave your coats around any of the members of Tres Monet...you might night ever see it again. (Where in the fuck is my hyena fur bitches??!?!?!? I left it at the table when y'all was performing at the Snooty Fox and apparently no one has seen it since)!


Of course most of you will infer, and properly so, that my drama was caused in some way by a man. But as I sit here I realize that it has EVERYTHING to do with me and why I tend to settle for men who are less than worthy. I've been in 3 serious relationships and I have learned from each and every experience. I am determined not to be bitter. And why should I be, I have everything going for myself and more. Up until now, I thought I was ready but I realize I am not. I was not okay with being ALONE. Just ME didn't seem quite fulfilling enough for me. And if you know me I might have made a damn good argument to support my contentions but I was false. As I embark on 30 years of life love and the pursuit of happiness I understand that I have a ways to go and I am okay with that. I love my friends and family, special shouts out to those of you who have touched me from within (Nik Nak, Alana's mama, my Afrimenian, Clam Chowder, Breefah, Airhead, Winter's opposite, Professor Boyfriend, Mama of 3 to be, Geezy, Deebo, and my 8 o'clock service companion (you figure it out)), and as long as I have you all around I know that everything's gonna be alright.

In closing I'd like to wish you all a Happy New Year and I can't wait to see what 2008 has in store for all of us.

Secret Lesson No. 11 - You can flag ANY picture on some one's myspace and it will automatically be deleted. Who fucking knew?!?!?

The N-word

WTF is the world coming to??? So today after a beautiful weekend in Cancun I'm confronted with a most important decision at the workplace. My WHITE secretary tells me she has a funny joke. One that her and her family sat around and laughed so hard about because they thought it so funny. So she proceeds to tell the joke, "God gave a little black boy wings. The boy asks God, does this make me an angel? No Nigga that makes you a bat"!!! All the while she can hardly stop herself from laughing!!! At this point I am in shock. Did she really think that was okay?? The answer is YES she did. So I immediately tell her that it was quite offensive, that I couldn't believe she would use the n-word in my presence, that I can't believe that her and her family sit around telling nigga jokes and think that's okay!! She claims that EVERY BLACK person has told her that its okay to use NIGGA just not NIGGER and that its not fair that "we" can use it and "they" can't...that's "racial" in and of itself. I told her that it is NEVER okay and that I was literall in shock that she would argue for her ability to use the n-word. Needless to say, she walked out of my office crying. Then like the coward she is, sent me a email telling me that she was offended that I was offended.
HER EMAIL: After all the time we worked together, it really hurts me that you would think that me and my family would sit around and "tell black jokes." I never really thought of you as a "black" person, you were just my friend. I thought that by now you would realize that race is not an issue with me, I was just sharing something I thought was funny, as I have laughed at many "white" jokes and I am white. If that is really what you think of me, then maybe you would prefer to stick to work related conversations and not say anything more. It really hurts me that you would think of me that way. I am soory I offended you, but you offended me too. No further conversation is needed on this, I just wanted you to know how I felt without you seeing me cry.

MY RESPONSE: Amy, I am confused as to what you are offended about. I have never said anything deragatory towards you or your race. I have never use racially offensive words in reference to you or anyone of your race. I am still in shock that you felt it okay to tell a joke using the n-word in my presence. Regardless of what you think about me, I AM BLACK, no matter how light skin and long my hair is. And the fact that you don't see the problem in using the n-word is even more offensive. That you would justify it by saying that "we" use it all the time so why can't you, "thats not fair." I am literally blown away. That word carries meaning that you will never understand. Contrary to all these "black" people that have told you it is okay to use NIGGA just not NIGGER, let me tell you that it is NEVER okay to use the n-word in my presence in reference to my race and my family and ME.
And since we are on the subject, let me tell you that when you said that "I don't look black because most black people have short hair" and that "you hate when black people pull their hair back in little pigtails," that was offensive. When you said "that your husband didn't like your shirt because it was too black" that was offensive. When you said that Tia's friend "is so black that when you turn off the lights you can't see her anymore" that is offensive.
Not sure what you are crying about because I am the one who is hurt.

After a few conversations I decided that the best thing for me to do was leave because it was destined to get ugly in there. My boss called later on because he was in trial to talk about what happened. His argument was that you have to "consider the source." That "she's not that intelligent" and has no "social graces" and really thought that we were cool enough for her to use the n-word. The conversation got a little heated because at the same time I knew nothing was going to be done about it. It is infuriating that in 2007 a WHITE woman can tell NIGGA jokes in the workplace with minimal consequences for her ignorance.
And what's crazy is she had been sitting on this joke for 5 fucking days. She emailed me the joke to which I didn't respond while I was on vacation and the first thing 5 days later she says to me was did you my email. I said no to try and give her a chance to redeem herself. Never thinking in a million years she would say the word. The joke could easily be told without the use of the n-word but I guess saying it made her feel superior in some way. While I knew I would never work at a place which condoned behavior like this, do you know that this chick packed up my shit as if she had unilaterally made the decision. She is lucky that 1996 me didn't surface because in my opinion, those are fighting words.
Okay my fellow black brethren, please comment as I hope these comments will be seen by someone who needs a fucking reality check!
And just to clear any confusion, I was not technically an employee of this office anymore. As many of you know I am moving to DC in 3 weeks and was only there to clean up a few loose ends. So unfortunately her words are not actionable but believe you me, this is not the end!

2 pump chump

So I am sitting here horny thinking about past experiences and it dawned on me that I have yet to touch on the issue of the "2 pump chump" also known as, minute man, quicker dicker, fast Jack, in-n-out, speedy weenie, hasty hotdog, rapid rover...you get the point.

Now I've never made an issue over this (to his face) but I find it quite troubling. It is well understood that it takes longer for a woman to get aroused than for most men...this is a given. And if you have gotten your rocks off in less than five minutes I can assure you there is no way you satisfied your woman. So what do you do?? Men: if you know that you came a little too quick I think you should properly addressed the situation. Getting up and going to the bathroom as if you've just accomplished something is NOT it. Little do you know I'm snickering behind your back waiting for the first opportunity to text my girl. And believe you'll never touch this again...how selfish of you! You need to be a man and step to the plate and admit your misgivings and assure us you will correct your wrongs momentarily. You can take a nap, a shower, watch a porno, take a viagra, anything you gotta do to get that bad boy back up but don't ever let me go to sleep after 2 pumps...CHUMP!! I mean what the fuck am I suppose to do with that? The only thing you've done at that point was wake her up and now you want her to go back to sleep without being fed? Come the fuck on...not fair. We understand "it happens" but just because shit happens don't make it right. Let me reiterate...correct your wrongs homeboy. Some advice, if you eat it in the beginning we're less likely to care when, where, why, or how you finish.

I tell you about a guy I once knew. It was actually an EX who happened to be at the right place at the right time. It had been a long while since we had first done the do. I didn't remember too much about it only that he wasn't real sensitive to my needs but I didn't hold that against him. He always spoke very highly of his D which is typically suspect to begin with. No sooner than we laid down did I find him finish and up and headed to the shower as if his actions warranted the need for refreshment. I was literally shocked and confused and because there was no love it took everything in me to not say something. I mean seriously, what am I suppose to do with that? I surely thought he was coming back for round 2, shit maybe even round 3 because round 1 didn't really exist in my mind. Sadly enough, he was done and yes I was done. I could barely stand to look at him so I got dressed and faked a heart attack. Would rather sit in the hospital than on his couch cause somebody was gonna die and it wasn't gonna be me. WTF!

HITW

For those of you who don't know what this means, it means HEAD IN THE WHIP!! For those of you who still don't know what this means, get off my page! I just wanted to know, has anyone ever been caught giving it?? What are you suppose to do if someone sees you? Are you suppose to stop? More than likely his D will be rock hard and won't be able to fit back into his pants. Do you expose the D or do you stay down there and finish what you started?

Ho Fa Sho!

I recently was asked, "what is a ho"? Before I get to casting stones let's really dissect this for a minute shall we. I don't think there is one clear definition on what exactly makes one a "ho" because I think we've all done things that may be considered behavior which more likely than not manifests whorelike tendencies. For instance, some may say that sex on a first date or first encounter is "ho-like"! or maybe sex with numerous partners? sex for money, drugs, dinner or coats? sex with a married man/woman? sex without condoms? sex because you're bored?? who freakin knows where to draw the line. I think being a "ho" has more to do with your intentions than your actions. Let me explain...so let's say you've been single for awhile and you meet a well to do guy and you talk on the phone for a week or so and you finally decide to go out. You guys go to dinner and movie and end up at your house having "coffee." One thing leads to another and his body starts calling for yours. Long story short the panties come off and you find yourself knee deep in the D. You guys eventually become bf/gf, marry and live happily ever after. Are you a "ho"? Now look at it this way. You've been single for awhile and you've been going on dates with different men. One in particular has more money than the next. You go to dinner and a movie and end up at your crib. You know if you fuck him you'll continue to get the niceties. You have sex and send him on his way. Are you a "ho"? Let's say you're broke and call up a guy and have him take you out. Over dinner you share with him your financial status and he offers to give you some money to help you get on your feet. You end up at your crib and you have sex. He leaves $500 on the nightstand. Are you a "ho"? Let's say you've been going thru a whole lot of shit and find yourself calling your married ex. You guys go to dinner and he tells you he's not happy. After 5 martinis you find yourself at your house. One thing leads to another and the panties come off. Are you a "ho"? Let's say to go out with your girl in search of a man. You pick out the one who just dropped a grand at the bar. He's not very cute, actually he's ugly. You don't care. You accidentally bump into him and spark up a conversation. You exchange information. You see him later that week and you let him hit it. Are you a "ho"?
Now there are some things which one can do which would put them in the "ho fa sho" category, well at least in my opinion. If you fuck 5 different people in the same week, you a "ho fa sho"! If you fuck 2 different people in close proximity and swallow on both, you a "ho fa sho"! If you fuck for 10 dollars and a hit, you a "ho fa sho"! If you have more than 2 potential baby daddies, you a "ho fa sho"! The list goes but I'd like to get your thoughts on what a "ho fa sho" is.............
My thoughts are, to each his own. Everyone must live with the decisions he/she makes. No one else can determine how you feel about yourself. Maybe you're a "ho" maybe not! Whatever you decide, make sure its your choice and live with it.

If there was a picture in the dictionary next to the word "ho," who do you is the prototype??

Sex with an Ex....

A little sumthin sumthin...

So Ne-yo seems to believe that sex with an ex is a good idea...what do you think? Should you leave it all in the past? What if it was the best sex of your life?? Can you do it regularly and not get attached? Is it worth it?

Long time coming...

I know its been awhile y'all and I'm sorry I fell off the wagon. Been going through a lot of shit and I just didn't have any inspiration. The vision was clouded by tears and feelings of hate and regret. But I'm slowly coming out of the darkness and am ready to talk about life, love and the pursuit of happyness!

So I recently talked to a friend of mine whom I hadn't spoken to in going on 10 months. A little background...we have been friends for 24 years and slowly but surely grew apart and were just on two different pages! The last time we talked it had something to do with one of her boo's calling me at 2am talking about he coming over! WTF!! I ain't never talked to the boy on the phone nor does he even know where I freaking live. But I guess that was the last straw cause I never heard from her again! Got a text on my 29th birthday wishing me the best! Ha! It seems like I woke up one day and realized that we were headed in two completely different directions. I would talk about the folks I met and these fabulous events and she would talk about baby einstein and first days of school. I had no problem listening to what was going on in her life but she didn't seem all too concerned about my life. Anywho, we stopped talking completely and I didn't know how I felt about it. When I ran into her we exchanged greeting. She then proceeded to exclude herself out of the group discussion. I was a bit perturbed but whatever! I then called a friend of mine, a spiritual advisor of sorts to ask him what to do. He told me not to miss out on my blessings because she wants to be evil. So I took up a seat next to her and broke the ice. Asked her how she had been and the conversation sored from there. It didn't skip a beat and it felt like old times again. Not sure what happened to cause us to separate but glad that we talked. 24 years is a long time. Will it ever be the same I'm not sure, only time will tell.

So here's the thing, how do you know when to let a friendship go or when to make amends! If you grow apart does that mean you are forever separated? If you are on 2 completely different paths in life is it possible to be genuinely happy for the other's successes? I've heard a saying that people are in your life for one of 3 things, reasons, seasons or a lifetime. How do you know who plays what role? Why does it seem easier to forgive a lover than a friend? Do we expect more from our friends? Is that a fair expectation?

So tell me folks, have you ever regretted losing a friend?

Nosey rosey.....

In a relationship, is it okay to go through your bf's things??? I would like to believe that in a perfect world you wouldn't feel compelled to snoop around in your bf's shit. Does there come a time in your relationship where snooping is acceptable? When assumably there are no more secrets. If you are in a relationship do you still maintain your constitutionally protected right of privacy? I was left 9 days in my bf's apartment and I didn't snoop around. If he trusts me enough to leave me there for 9 whole days do I really think he's going to be stupid enough leave some detrimental shit behind?? If you find something, does that fact that found it in the drawer underneath his t-shirts stuffed in an envelope wrapped in some foil make any difference?? Is the determining factor what you found? I like my privacy and don't like to feel like I can't have a secret if I want to. What about the cell phone?? Is it okay to check his received and dialed calls? texts? picture mail?? Does the same apply for blackberry's which is essentially email?? In relationships, must your skeletons all be revealed??
I remember a time when I was at my bf's house. He lived with his mom (this was 10 years ago folks). I was left at his house while him and his mom went to the store. Not more than 3 minutes after they left I headed to his room straight to the closet. I knew I didn't have much time so I figured I might as well get in and get out quick. I was knee deep in his box of pictures and I look up to find him and his mother staring at me in disbelief. I was mortified. There was no explanation. I simply told him I wanted to look through his pictures. He was upset and rightfully so. They had just come back because she forgot something and were planning on leaving me there again. I was like no way jose!! He didn't want me to leave but I couldn't stand the thought of his mother thinking that I was a sneaky little girl. I left. That was not the first or last time I have been through a bf's shit. I wonder once I'm married do the circumstances change. Can you have secrets if you're married?? Doesn't seem right to keep secrets yet it feels all wrong to be one open book. I guess that's why people, men in particular, are so afraid of marriage. It almost feels like you lose yourself in the process. Is what you do always his business?? I wonder.....
So folks, tell me about a time when you got caught snooping around....

Girl Fight the sequel....

So peep...me and my cuz was in Vegas chillin. Hit the strip for a night out on the town. We mistakenly ended up at a techNO club but we paid a dub to get in so we decided to at least have a drink before we bounced. It was stupid crowded. No black faces in sight. We're walking around looking for somewhere to sit. I noticed these two dudes get up and so I immediately rushed the seats. This older Russian dude sitting a couple seats down came over to me and said those were his lady friends seats. I'm thinking yeah right I just saw two dudes get up, miss me with that. So I tell him I'm not moving. My cousin was trying to be nice and got up. I spot an empty chair a little ways away so she goes and grabs that one. I'm like fuck him I ain't moving no where. So the Russian was like, "did you hear me or do I need to say it in 5 different languages"? I put 5 fingers in his face. So these chicks walk up and one of them sits on the arm of my chair. This bitch had obviously lost her muh fuckin mind. So my cousin stands up and someone whisks the chair from beneath her. I'm like what the fuck that ain't even your chair. So I push the chick off my chair and barely lift up out of my seat and dude snatches my chair too. Now because I hadn't really gotten up I was tossed to the floor, my orange suede candies go flying and I find myself on the carpet with my chocha showing cause my dress was rather short. Me and my cousin are fuming. So the two chicks sit down as if nothing happened. Now its about 4 women and 2 men in their group. Much older than us. So what do I do....in one clean sweep I knocked ALL of they drinks off the table. The Russian dude rushes me and I think he might have taken a swing but I was unphased. But that wasn't enough. One of the chicks is wiping the table off and in doing that she's splashing the liquid on me. I'm like bitch you better stop wetting me. She says its your fault you're the one who knocked the drinks off the table. I reiterate, bitch you better stop wetting me. She looked dead in my face and says "do you want me to throw this drink on you?" I say WORD and snatched her drink and poured it down her face. Take that bitch!!! Once again the Russian rushes me. I think he made contact this time but I didn't care cause I was a ninja on a mission. So now I'm SUPER heated. I had decided that I wasn't going no where until someone got hurt and it wasn't gonna be me. Out the corner of my eye I see this big black dude approaching us. I grab his arm and told him I needed a favor. Very briefly told him what was going on. I told him ALL I needed him to do was make sure the Russian didn't get at me cause I feared the next time he might have drawn blood. He had crazy written all over him. I turned around for a second and the black dude got ghost. I'm like FUCK!! Whatever it was still going down. All I know is I took my wooden hill and cracked that bitch as hard as I possibly could. The bitch screamed in agony. She was crying so hard. Right at that moment security came and escorted both parties out. They took us one way and them the other. We actually met up in the back of the club. The bitch was still crying. I looked at her and said "you shouldn't have fucked with me STUPID BITCH"!!!!!! Her eyes were black from her mascara running. To make matters worse I laughed in her face and all the way out the club. I don't fuck with techNO anywayz.

It's about to be A WHAT a girl fight...

Now it may be hard to believe but a sistah has been in her share of fights, at least 5 good ones. My temper was quick and so was my jab. I use to talk so much shit that I had to back that shit up. I know people who would never dream of being in a real live fist fight to the death...death I say. One may think that girls mostly fight over men. This is true but not in ALL cases. 3 of my 5 good fights were totally random and people love when I tell these tales of yesteryear. Before I get to telling about my rumbles in the jungles I want to say at this age fighting is not cool. We have too much to lose to be knocking bitches fronts out which is always my goal. Give that bitch something to remember when she go home and ask herself why on earth did I pick the tall skinny bitch to pick on. Don't let the light skin fool you...I will drop kick yo ass in a heartbeat and crush yo skull after I piss on your face. Oh yeah it goes down.
In any event, here's my story....so I was about 19 at the time when the shit cracked off. I was pulling into the parking lot of this shopping center where my dentist was located, Northeast from where I live...and by this I mean China muh fuckin town. The car in front of me stopped abruptly and so I honked two times (this becomes relevant later). Realizing he had just found a parking spot I proceeded to go around him at which time he gave me the finger. Without even thinking about it I returned the favor. Pulled up, parked and went straight to the back of my dentist's office to wash my hands. Mind you I had been going to this dentist for well over 10 years. As I'm returning to the front of the office I hear loud voices and I'm thinking to myself, what the heck is goings on. At that time, I noticed this ill tempered 5 foot Asian guy headed my direction screaming "why did u honk at me why did you honk at me...you honk 2 times (putting 2 fingers in my face)"? Slightly amused I say "what are you talking about I will honk until my horn falls off, what's your problem." So he then tells me that I woke up his son and says "why did you honk at me you black beetch." I'm like WORD "call me a black bitch one more time and I'm going to slap the fuck outta you." So his little bitty ass pushed me out of his face cause by that time I was all up in his funky ass grill. So as promised I slapped the fuck outta him knocking his glasses off his face and cutting the bridge of his nose. By this time his wife had come in with a kid on her hip and holding another one's hand. He noticed his wife had just seen him get bitch slapped and turned around and upper cutted me to the stomach. Didn't feel the effects of that until later that night...little fucker! My brother heard the noise and hopped out of the dentist's chair novocained out the game and jumped in the middle of me and the little Asian. The only thing that stopped was him getting at me. When I say I commenced to whopping off in his ASS I say I temporarily lost my mind and beat him like he stole something. I'm about 5'8 so I was towering over both of them. I proceeded to single handedly, and by that I mean I really only used one hand because the other hand was holding my pocketbook, deliver 25-30 blows to the head. His wife tried to stop the beat down at which time I gave a good solid blow to the chest and said "bitch get off me." Finally my brother was able to stop the madness. Dude, looking like he had just seen a ghost, (yeah the ghost of slaves past and present) left the office and called the police. Po po's come in and immediately put me in handcuffs. I see dude outside with the ambulance pointing at his head. I'm balling crying thinking about explaining this shit to my mom. After I told my E true Hollywood side of the story, they let me go and wrote it up as a mutual combat and ordered us to appear in court. Went to a hearing designed to informally resolve the issues but dude really wanted to press charges against me. He failed to tell the officer that he had pushed me first. Dude could barely speak English and the officer was able to manipulate the situation and get him to say, on record, that he pushed me first (self defense bitches). So no charges were ever brought. However, I wasn't satisfied with that and neither was my soon to be step dad "the lawyer." We filed a civil case against him for assault and battery, you know ninjas always trying to get paid. Come to find out, he had no money and I forced him into bankruptcy which at the very least fucked up his credit for 10 years. If you ever ask my brother why he didn't jump in, he'll tell you "my sister didn't need no help." My only regret was showing my ass in front of Dr. Chung...I love him. It took me awhile to return to his office but I gotten a cavity and so I had to go. I asked him if hated me and he said No. I was very happy they treated me as if it I hadn't totally showed my ass in his officer beating one of his very own to pulp...I made orange juice with his baby premie ass. Lol
Now it's your turn...tell me about a story when you got into a fight and if you've never had the pleasure of whopping someone's ass, tell me about a time where you was this close (my two fingers are really close together) to proving to someone that you don't take no shit.

Let's talk about sex baby...let's talk about you and me...

All bullshit aside, does size really matter?? I can recall one of my very good friends from high school once told me the best sex she ever had was with a dude with a smenis (small penis...ac). Fortunately and sometimes unfortunately, I've never really had a really small one. I know all my ex boo's are breathing a sigh of relief. The smallest I've had was with a dude who was half black half mexican, you do the math...but erect it wasn't half bad. It sucked cause he was fine as shit!!!!! What I have had is the ding dong that is toooooooooooooooooo big. Some might say this doesn't exist...oh but it does. There was never a time when it didn't hurt. It hurt going in, it hurt coming out, couldn't take it from the back...didn't want it from the back...on top was horrible...but I took it, all in the name of love. Go fucking figure. And then there was dude that was HUNG and on top of that he wasn't circumcised which added an additional centimeter or two to the circumference. I'm sooooo cool, what the fuck do I look like. Anywho, I take the position that size does matter but bigger is not always better. I do have boundaries...I think they are called walls!!! But for you women who prefer big 10 inch donkey dicks, here's a way to weed out the smenis'...ask the dude if he's ever given a women a bladder infection??? If he hasn't, he's probably not worth the fuck...if he has, you may just have yourself a winner. Now I prefer 7-8 inches tops. I'll take 6 if you got the right moves. Presently, I'm getting it better than any woman should so its all to the good. And I'm just going to leave it at that.
Okay so here's my story. I was talking to this dude, really liked him but was taking things slow as I usually do. We fooled around but I never saw his thang and interestingly enough, never felt it. Now I was quite sure what to think about that. There were times when we were kissing and I was on top of him in the fucking position and didn't feel any bulge. You would expect to feel some kinda of bulge right?? Nope never not once. Was too afraid to touch it because that's like a sign saying I wanted it and I didn't. Tried many ways to decipher what he was working with but to no avail. Although this theory is by no means full proof, I wondered whether it was anything like his fingers and feet...short and stumpy. That's never good. In any event I finally caught a glimpse of it after he showered and it didn't even hang below the balls. Looked like a baby's dick, a little wee wee. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that? Is it even suckable?? When you can only use your pointer finger and thumb to hold on to it something something just ain't right. I'm use to having to use my whole fist and then some. Shit two hands. Needless to say, it NEVER went down. Shortly thereafter figured out a way to let him down gently. Didn't want to give the guy a complex but there was no way I was coming close to that.
You already know...tell me your worst sex story or your best...
I add to my THINGS TO DO LIST never date a guy with short stumpy fingers and toes...that don't even sound attractive.

Again I must ask, what about your friends??

After much thought, well like 10 minutes which is ample time for me, I decided to question the loyalty of our friends. I've had a few minor situations when it comes to those I choose to keep in my life. I call them minor because if they were MAJOR that would mean someone got knocked the fuck out!! There is one thing I do not play with and that's friendships. I value my friends so much that if I feel I've been double crossed triple crossed or kriss krossed JUMP JUMP, I will surely let you know about it. Do right by me and I'll do right by me. All friends are not the same and therefore you can't expect the same things from them. Some friends are for seasons, some for reasons, and some for a lifetime. The friends for a lifetime you should cherish with all your heart. Those are your girls who are by your side, rich or broke, sane or insane, happy or sad, single or married, hairless or hairy!! But every now and again you slip up and allow someone in your life that isn't right for you. They may be jealous or miserable or broke or just plain clueless.
So here's my story, so I had a girl, let's call her Lil D, who I went to high school with that I was pretty close to. My other girl, we'll call her Lil A, dated my boyfriend's best friend. So it was my boyfriend's birthday but we were mad at each other. So he went out with his bff, Lil A and apparently Lil D was asked to tag along. Knowing the situation, Lil D should have just stayed her ass at home but NO, she opted to hang out. Now a real friend would have went, peeped the scene, got the juice and updated me on the things that went on in my absence. She obviously was no friend of mine. So I was not concerned with anything that had went on until the next day. Called my friends, no answer. Called my boo, no answer. Finally I talked to HIM before I talked to either of them. He told me they hung out and ended up spending the night at a hotel. So my boo's bff and Lil A slept together, and my boo and Lil D slept together!! WTF!!! And to make matters worse, she took off her pants and slept with her T-SHIRT and her PANTIES on. He told me nothing happened but she was trying to get close in the bed and rub her titties on him. Now who fucking knows, he could have been putting the 10 on the 2 but what other choice did I have but to believe him. He came forward first. Neither of them told me anything until I had a story from him. No. 1, it is NEVER ok to sleep in the bed with my man. No. 2, how fucking dare you take off anything BITCH, you should have kept ya muh fucking clothes on...I don't care if you had on an evening dress bitch! No. 3, did you think it was going to be okay to avoid my calls and were you ever going to tell me what went down if he didn't? Long story short, I cut that bitch completely off and made her life miserable for a good year or so. Maybe someone could tell in the comment section that time in particular up in the Bay, hahaha! She gave me card apologizing and what not but there was no way I could ever trust her again. What was that?? what ever happened with the boo??? Of course you know my stupid ass kept him around for more shenanigan's!!! I guess I use to like drama.
Okay, so once again ladies (and gents) it's your turn. Tell me a story about when one of your so called friends betrayed you.
I add to my THINGS TO DO list, never befriend an adult who weighs less than 100 pounds who's boobs are bigger than her head.

Giving up, giving in or socking somebody in they muh fuckin face.....

Why are guys so fucking triflin??? This is one thing I just don't get. I believe I mentioned in one of my previous blogs that guys aren't too good at concealing their indiscretions but at some point YOU GOTS TO DO BETTER. They always claim they "never meant to hurt you" or "they are sooooo sorry" or ask "what can I do to make it better"? You can fucking stop doing the stupid shit that got you here in the first fucking place. And unfortunately after significant time has passed and a certain bond has been created it becomes increasingly harder to walk away. Why is this? Do we value ourselves less now that we are in this relationship? Do we think we can change them? Do we secretly like to be treated like chattel? Because if a man shows signs of a disrespectful, selfish, controlling two timing dog in the beginning, chances are they don't get very far. It's only after they set the tone for a fabulous relationship and then turn the freaking tables on us is it then even a question as to whether you should stay or go. Go bitch go!!! Head for the hills, Beverly Hills shit...you can be broke and miserable all by your damn self. If you're going to deal a man's shit then he might as well have some paper to drop on you. Fuck, I'm tired of being put through bull shit and then having to buy my own McDonald's. What the fuck do I have you for you sorry bastard.
Here's my story, so it was my birthday and I was filling out applications for law school. It was the deadline for a couple of schools. Anyone that knows me knows I wait until the last minute for things so at the 11th hour I was finishing up the applications. Headed to the post office cause they had to be postmarked that day. My boyfriend had planned an extravagant evening for us, in an attempt to make up for the several birthdays which went by and he didn't nothing. So we get to the post office and FUCK the line is out the fucking door. I'm secretly heated but it had to get done. This fool hops out the car and goes OFF. Shouting and spitting and shit all in my muh fucking face. People are looking in shock. I'm trying to keep my composure so I wouldn't appear scared. Oh but a bitch was scared!! So by the time I got the applications mailed off his plans for me were ruined. He drove me home dropped me off and went on about his business. Mind you in the back seat of the truck there was about 15 white boxes with red ribbons. A couple days later after he calmed down and I forgave him he gave me 1 of the gifts because it was not returnable. That ninja really returned all my muh fucking gifts, dirty bastard!! And you wanna know what he gave me, a cheesy hello kitty house phone! I was so freaking mad. But as we tend to do, I blamed myself for doing things so late and chalked it up and continued to be with his ass. WHY???? Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.
Anywho, ladies (and gentlemen if you must), tell me about the worst a man has done to you. I'm talking about lying, cheating, beating, stealing, and killing (oh lawd hopefully I don't get any posts from a dead bitch)!
Add to my THINGS TO DO LIST, never deal with an indian giver!

Ever been caught up???

This may sound hypocritical but now I'd like to talk about getting caught up. This don't happen often but it has happened once or twice. I generally learn from my mistakes so I never get caught the same way twice. Here goes...

So remember the 8 year relationship?!?!? Well it was dysfunctional, to say the least. Stupid me, knew he was being less the honest from the get go...why I stayed I will never know. The chick before me was a constant problem for the first year. He had many dealings with her because he claimed she was doing his homework for him and whatever others lies he came up with. Long story short, I didn't feel he was in it to win so I also did my thug thizzle. There was one guy in particular who I was talking to. He knew I had a boyfriend but wasn't concerned. So one weekend I told my boyfriend I was going to DC to visit my sister. I was actually visiting him. So we spent the weekend together. Called my boo while he was handling business. My dude was none the wiser. Went on as if nothing ever happened...bad girl. So one day dude decided to roll up to my crib. Now I was living in my mom's house alone cause she had moved in with her boyfriend now husband. My boo was basically living with me. One night around 2:00am my house phone starts ringing. Of course I didn't answer it. Ring ring ring...I'm thinking to myself...who in the fuck is calling me. Shortly thereafter, there was a knock on the door. My heart sunk. My boo says go see who it is. At this point I'm in fear of my life. My boo was right behind me. I looked out the window to see who it was and low and behold it was my fucking weekend rendezvous!!! WTF is he doing here???? My boo is like why is he here?? I'm like I have no absolute idea. I never answered the door. He didn't make me. In hindsight I think my dude was afraid because dude was bigger and older than him. So what does dude do, goes back to the car and blows my house phone up AGAIN!!! Seriously, this dude has lost his mind. This time my boo says, answer the phone...see what he wants!! So I answer the phone, cool and calm. Asked him why he was calling. Why would he do that. What the heck was he thinking about. Got off the phone and my boo went nuts. Told me that I had went off on him worse for not taking out the trash but this dude disrespected like that and that was all I had to say. I was speechless. Apologized and apologized. But in reality it had all worked out as if I had planned the whole thing. I didn't want to totally go off on dude because I wanted to keep him in my back pocket just in case it didn't work out with my boo. We had so many issues that I wasn't quite sure it was going to work. Anywho, for whatever reason...my boo never really mentioned that story again. That is until maybe 6 months later dude rolled up to my house again unannounced in the middle of the day. Said he was just stopping by the say hello. I mean WHAT, do we not know how to use phones!!!

Again, I ask my faithful readers to tell me about a time they got CAUGHT UP!!! It happens to the best of us!

I add to my THINGS TO DO list, don't cheat unless you are ready for the ramifications of getting caught!!

How far will one go??

In an attempt to justify some of my own craziness...I'd like to ask my 5 readers (ha!) how far will you go for love?? In other words, what's the craziest thing you've ever done in the name of love?



I will admit that I have done some crazy, borderline psycho things, all in the name of love. Was with a guy for 8 years...yes I said 8!! Moved away and went to law school. Now you would expect your bf to get into some kind of trouble but never did I imagine he would have a whole other gf and actually had the nerve to move in with her. Slowly but surely I began to notice a difference in him but when I stopped talking to him completely in the night time, I knew something was up. I only came home maybe 4 times a year so he had a lot of free time. Wanna know how I caught that ninja up???? Was home visiting one weekend, was in his car and found a parking ticket on the side of the door. Examined it. Noticed it was one of the tickets for parking on the street during street cleaning times. Didn't recognize the address so I slipped the ticket in my pocketbook for further investigation. So I had an address. Went through his phone looking for suspicious numbers. Found one. Call up a family member who shall remain anonymous cause she could have potentially lost her job for doing me this favor. She worked for the phone company so I gave her the number and she gave me an address. Address matched the ticket. Went to the address. Waited for someone to come out so I could go into the apartment complex. As I was walking in he was walking out. He kept it moving like he didn't see me. Rushed to his car. We met up outside in front of the complex. Tahhhhh dahhhhhhh...caught up ain't even the word.



Remember how you used to get voicemail codes??? Let me refresh your memory. This was when house phones were still in. You wait for your bf to check his voicemail on the house phone. You pick up another phone and call your pager...yeah I said pager. When it prompts you to put in a number, you pick up the phone he used and press redial. All the numbers he hit would then be sent to your pager. The first ten would be the phone number and the next several would be the access code. Golden!!!



Or what about finding a undeveloped camera, before the digital age, and getting the pictures developed before he realizes it's missing!! For some reason guys like to keep records of shit they do. Women know this is a no no!! We will keep a fucking half eaten lollipop our bf had but when it comes to any wrong doing on our part, we throw away any and all evidence. Guys aren't so smart.



Or what about simply just being a temporary stalker for a night or two. Never under estimate the power of a surprise visit. Some women are too afraid of the consequences if he ever found out. Not me!



Well I'm starting to feel like a hot funky mess so please, share some of your stories with me!!!



Add to my THINGS TO DO LIST, revise my resume and add that I am a professional investigator and offer my services to those in need!!

Ain't nothing out but the devil at 5am.....

Question: if your boyfriend went to a party, didn’t answer your phone calls at 4am, called around 4:45am to say he was on his way home from his homeboy’s house…how many of you would believe that?

Relationships are difficult, and even more so when you’re faced with situations like this. Obviously it just happened to me. I was furious when he got home but didn’t actually show it. I had gotten a little faded my damn self and was too dizzy to really do anything that night. Just let him crawl into bed, wrap his arms around me and pass out. I thought I smelled perfume when he walked in but then again, he was just at a club right?!?!? So the next morning I got up and went to work, still feeling some kinda way. Called my girl as I headed to court to get a second opinion. She didn’t believe he would do something like that to me, in other words, cheat on me and come home and lay up as if nothing happened. I wasn’t so sure. He sent me a text saying he was sorry and did I forgive him. Forgive you for what I asked. He said he didn’t know but he knows I’m feeling some kinda way about something. I said if you were 100% honest with me then you have nothing to apologize for. He called. So the story goes…after the club they all went to eat and back to his homeboy’s house for more drinks. It was about 6 guys, and 3 girls. He claims not to have known the girls. After the midnight snack, 4 of the guys went to the dude’s house along with the 3 girls. He claims he didn’t call to give me a heads up because he knew that I would have asked a billion questions and he would have looked like a simp in front of his friends. Allegedly 1 dude got his dick sucked. He claims to have had no contact with any of the chicks. Now do I believe him or not?? I did believe him but it lead to a discussion of why he should have called versus why he didn’t call. I will admit that I would have asked many questions and it probably would have upset the rest of my night thinking about what could happen. Is he justified in not calling? If I believe nothing happened should I let it go without incident? We’re not married so I try to make it as easy as possible for us to stay as close as possible. If he feels like I’m going to bitch and complain about every little thing I will never get the ring. But am I selling myself short? How bad was his decision not to call? I told him that I was very worried and was just about to call 911 or the highway patrol, who knows what could have happened to him. This is LA baby…ain’t nothing out but the devil at 5am.

Anywho, the situation is behind us now. I’m over it. Any thoughts??

What about your friends........

So I feel the need to share a story from last night to get some feedback so I can make a final determination as to how I feel about this whole situation. I invited my girl out last night to this BET pre-party at club Royale. It ended up being a bigger deal than anticipated. So my girl gets to my house and is like UGH! I'm like UGH what?!?!? She's like, you don't know how to have a boyfriend. I'm like what are you talking about? Now it would have been reasonable for her to be referencing the fact that I spend a whole lot of time with my dude and rarely see her and/or talk to her anymore. There's more to that story but I'll just move on. So, I'm like WHAT!!!!! She's like, what do you have on...why do you have so many clothes on...you look like somebody's wife (exactly)...like you have a family waiting for you at home (what I strive for, duh). Ok and what exactly do you want me to do with this information! So I took it to mean she didn't like what I had on!!! She's like, look what I'm wearing...this is all I'm wearing, displaying a cute little green number, I ain't mad! Now the fact that I didn't laugh should have at least been a hint but no she continues to slam my outfit. I'm like dang "that's not nice....and well I thought I looked cute when I got dressed." What the fuck are you trying to say?!?!?! So she finally got wind that I wasn't feeling her commentary and she's like, oh well your shirt is cute. Um a tad bit too late sweetie. So I was completely detached the whole night. Didn't really want to go in the first place and was really irritated now that my homegirl basically pumped me all the way down. Who wants to hear that shit on the way out?!?!? Was I suppose to change my clothes to appease her? I didn't and didn't find any problem with guys trying to hollah. That's gonna happen regardless. I don't need to be naked to have ninjas on my team. So anywho, the night was kind of a bust but what's funny is I just saw pictures from the party on wireimage and I'm like wow...all that happened?! I stayed my ass in the corner all night not wanting to be bothered. My beautiful sis showed up and kind of bridged the gap. After my boo got there I focused all my attention on him and tried leave that other situation alone because I was quite perturbed. Again I ask, who does that???

I add to MY THINGS TO DO LIST, next time I don't like something my "friend" is wearing, be very vocal about it just before we go out! WTF!